I met ‘Toby’ (name changed) at an Art Exhibition about 10 years ago. I was immediately drawn to his warmth and open-heartedness: he was a caretaker at a disused church that had been turned into an Arts Centre. Toby suffered from a number of physical complaints, as well as mental health disorders, that impacted his life daily.
As I got to know Toby I would often pop in to the centre to see him for a chat, say hello and have a cup of tea with him.
Over the years that I got to know him, I witnessed him have highs and lows and it was here that I really started to notice how little support there is available for people with mental health issues.
I had been travelling for a while and, on my return, wanted to give Toby a card I had been carrying around to give to him. I remember going past where he lived, thinking to pop by and say hello and give him the card, yet was feeling busy that day and left it.
The following day I heard Toby had committed suicide. He was found hanging from the roof in the church.
- “Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1)
- Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. (2)
- Of the total number of suicides registered in 2014 in the UK, 76% were males and 24% were females. (3)
- More than 55,000 suicides occur in the European Union each year, including more than 6,000 in the UK and Ireland. (4)
These statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong. Every one of these men is someone’s friend, brother, son or dad. Beautiful men, like Toby, each have so much to give, and are cutting their lives short though sheer desperation.
Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?
And whilst we commendably see high-profile campaigns on driving safely, and testicular cancer, suicide – the biggest killer of men under 50 – is not discussed and highlighted as it needs to be. What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?
Unfortunately, from personal observation and from having worked in mental health, I can only see these statistics getting worse. Why? Because we are not addressing the root causes; we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves.
We all need to be starting the conversation and asking why are these suicide numbers so high? What can we do about it as a society to ensure people feel heard and then to ensure that there is enough true support? And why does this affect three times more men than women?
Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“
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As a society, and in truth as a worldwide family, we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.
We can no longer leave any stone unturned when it comes to looking at the root causes of these statistics. Just for starters, we need to look at all the systems we have in place – the education system, the legal system, the healthcare system – and look to why there is not a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures. No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.
Many men like Toby have ended their lives too soon, leaving family and friends devastated. To me this highlights the responsibility we all have for our mental well-being, but also the lack of support and connection we have with each other in society. We can no longer keep suicide isolated.
We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?
We are in desperate times and unless we fully acknowledge the problem and no longer distract ourselves away from it, then the number of suicides will increase. Let’s not allow that to happen, by starting to change the way we relate to each other now, and no longer accepting the imposition society imposes on men.
“What do men want most?
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By Samantha, UK
References:
- http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/15/suicide-silence-depressed-men, UK Office for National Statistics, Statistical Bulletin
- http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/
- http://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2014registrations
- https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 555
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 560
| If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:
Australia: United Kingdom: In other countries: |
Further Reading:
Is the Internet the Answer to Loneliness?
Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self
Bullying and suicide in construction – Does building culture need to change?
636 Comments
Self-love and true love for ourselves and others equally is the foundation for living in harmony with ourselves and all those around us.
Samantha you wrote this article back in 2016, just the other day I read that the suicide rates amongst children have shot up! So not only are adults finding life increasingly difficult to cope with but children too. What is this saying about the society we live in? Something is dreadfully wrong but quite honestly it feels to me that somehow we do not care enough I get the sense of as long as I’m okay Jack never mind about anyone else. I wonder how much worse does our way of living have to get until we call a halt and say enough is enough.
“We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. ” We can not continue to look the other way, The world needs love, it needs us to be love and we need the systems to be about based on love first.
Not ever committing suicide or really gone down that road as a thought process it is with appreciation that I approach this subject by saying as a man it is difficult to openly talk to other men and therefore we leave openings for different thinking’s, thought’s or energy to come in as everything is energy.
In our family, we have had two suicides within the last two years. There were no obvious signs that this was going to happen but thinking back the signs were there but we didn’t think for a minute this would be the outcome.
Suicide rates are increasing because we are not addressing the root causes. Until we address the underlying cause nothing will truly change.
We can make a difference by the way we interact with men in seemingly small ways that acknowledge their innate sensitivity because it all adds to a ripple effect that is sadly much needed in our current society where the suicide rates of men continue to increase.
It is difficult to fathom what must be happening for someone who is wanting to take their own life, but as hard as this is, I know that judgement will not help the situation.
I love returning to your blog Samantha because it reminds me to never discount anyone, we have no idea what people are going through so every moment with every person is enormously precious.
You are giving us back the responsibility we all have in our lives to deeply care for one another’. to not close the door but to feel and see what is happening in our society, how we are choosing to support some but not all, we are a worldwide family as you have shared and it is time to embrace everything that comes with it.
This is such a wake up call to understanding and seeing the reality of male suicide. Recently I heard of someone attempting suicide and it made me think why is it that we are seeing such alarming figures and when are we going to stop and support men and the families around them.
I saw a Facebook post where a friend talked about holding men (energetically) in the true sensitivity in which they are and I was really touched by that. And have been practising that in the presence of men, allowing myself to feel their sensitivity and to hold them in that space as well.
I feel we often become stunned and saddened by the ever-increasing suicide statistics but at the same time feel a little helpless as to what we can do, so we do nothing. But there is always something we can do, as you have done, and that is to consistently bring people’s attention to what is taking place within our society. Just sharing with one person may make a difference that may not be obvious at that moment in time. And it is important to remember that it is not just about the people who are choosing to take their lives but also about those left behind who are grieving, feeling guilty and angry and who for the rest of their lives will wonder if there was anything they could have done. The ripple affect of one death, in this way, is huge.
It is very telling of where we are at as a society, that with these disturbing statistics which represent what is happening to us as humanity, we are not concerned and worse that we have accepted these alarmingly increasing rates of suicide to be normalised. How numb have we become to be so disconnected to the anguish, suffering and pain our brothers are experiencing to feel that there is no other option but to end their life? This is disturbing, that we have normalised this way of life. What reflection are we offering our children when these are the accepted options for addressing challenges in life and furthermore why are we not considering that our current societal standards, ideal and beliefs are simply not working? We are sentient beings first and we do feel everything and to be continually dishonoring who we are in essence is what is making us ill, discontent and living so disconnected from ourselves and each other.
The statistic that over 800,000 die every year is shocking. There are so many people suffering in silence, people who outwardly maybe seen to be having a good time but inwardly are not. My friend was seemingly ok but wasn’t. We need to look at what we consider a good time to be because partying wasn’t a party. If drinking and other stuff meant to make us feel better are the resources we most turn to, but don’t actually support, then isn’t it worth a look at what’s with us as a society as a whole?
The fact that we have such high suicide rates in doctors shows unfortunately the very big mess we are currently in. We live in a harsh world that does not honour one’s sensitivity,
When our natural sensitivity is bludgeoned and not allowed to be expressed openingly horrendous consequences occur.
‘Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?’ It can be so easy for us to ‘get on with our busy lives’ and not take the time and care needed for others. To look at and listen to what is really going on, would mean we would have to fundamentally shift the way we are choosing to live on-mass and changing this would take a tremendous commitment from us individually.
There are two great evils that plague our world today. 1) the fact that we are never truly honoured and cherished for who we truly are. And 2) the fact that we don’t cherish and adore ourselves for the love we truly are and because of that accept all the loveless abuse society offers when it does not honour who you truly are.
“listening without judgment can be such a huge support” not just for those with a mental health concern or condition but everyone.
When women meet men as the sensitive beings they are then men will feel and honour the sensitivity they know they are.
Serge Benhayon sums it up so clearly in the first quote – “men are just as sensitive as women” – and I feel so strongly that if we allowed them to retain this natural sensitivity from the day they are born that we would have a world full of men who know who they truly are. A man who knows who he is in his inner essence, one who doesn’t need to conform to what society expects of him, is a man who will honour and appreciate the life he is here to live.
This is a real wakeup call for everyone to see these statistics about male suicide. And the questions that these figures raise are worthy of stopping everything until we have something sorted to support these men.
It starts way back in their childhood where little boys are allowed to be moulded by societies idea of how a boy should be, slowly the tenderness of the boy is shut down when told be tough, the idols they are presented with to be looked up to are the tough he man type, which is carried through with sports stars, this lack of honouring from a young age and then throughout life is what leads many men to end their lives, never being met for the deep tender sensitive men they truly are.
Suicide is a very topical subject at the moment. We have to get underneath what is really going on for people that so many are choosing to suicide.
Mental health and ultimately suicide has to fall at the feet of the established system with more professionals in the area of supporting people with these issues. Lets find out what is truly going on for this rate of deaths to reach the number one killer of humans world wide as it has now over taken heart disease and cancer we have to find the answer.
I absolutely agree with you Samantha that in light of the shocking suicide statistics it is time, “as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?”; why is it that many find living so very hard that they make the decision to end their very precious lives? Each one of the ‘statistics’ is a real, warm and loving person, someone’s son, someone’s brother, someone’s grandson and the pain of those left behind is often too painful to bear. Men need to know that what society accepts them to be as a man is so far from the truth of who they are, a tender and very sensitive being who needs as much love and support as does a woman. Maybe with this understanding they may begin to see there is a place in the world for them, no matter what is unfolding in their lives.
In society we expect our men to be the strong, silent type when it comes to their feelings – clearly, this expectation is not working. In fact, I would go so far as to say we set them up from a very young age to struggle with their feelings and are taught to keep them in and hold back. So, we cannot be surprised when so many of them crack under the expectations and strain.
It is so true what you wrote here Samantha about how desperate men feel when their natural sensitivity is not honoured and they feel like they constantly have to live in a tough and hardened way to prove themselves, which eventually can lead to suicide. It’s almost like people don’t want to look at suicide as seriously as other illnesses and diseases because of the sheer extreme nature of the act, yet that doesn’t stop millions of people going to incredibly violent movies and playing video games where people are murdered and mutilated in the most graphic ways imaginable. Something is surely amiss here.
Suicidal ideation is a hugely growing problem amongst young people and the elderly in our communities who are struggling with ill mental health and/or chronic pain. There are lots of local services which are very good and are doing all that they can, but they are for the most part – completely swamped. There are other services too which are intervening and helping where they can, but all in all the problem is wide spread and deep with complications and issues, as no one person can be swiftly ‘cured’ as each requires sensitive care and attention, things which an overstretched system struggles to provide.
Most parents of young boys know how sensitive they are but sadly, in the belief that men should be strong, macho and tough, they can often dismiss the natural sensitivity and reward and encourage displays of toughness in the mistaken belief that this will protect them from the world.
It is incredibly sad when anyone takes their own life and yet we have come to think it is one of the options when things get tough. As a society we would do well to work hard on the small day to day stuff we don’t think matters so we can build into something that does matter.
The issue of suicide is a huge one for our society to tackle. It requires us to look outside the box of it being about that moment when someone takes their own life, or even the weeks leading up to that decision and ask how are we living that even allows the thought that not being here would be better than living the way we are.
The quotes from Serge Benhayon bring home the delicate truth. They are Gold and who we are. A confirmation from a man who lives it.
When truth is presented like this it is activation in me to simply listen to how much I feel, to trust and truly honour my sensitive ways by supporting my body with absolute movements of tenderness and care. This has 100% eliminated any suicidal thoughts I once had and exposed just the extent of what withdrawing from life creates.
We harangue the world for being wrong and make a big deal or weapons, bombs and drug deaths but it seems we always avoid asking why these things happen in the first place. It’s got nothing to do with horrible human beings but everything to do with the sensitivity we have long ignored inside. This applies to us all as you beautifully show Samantha.
” What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide? ”
This is a very good question another question could be asked :
” What are we doing as a society to have any suicide ? “
Here in London people sometimes jump in front of the tubes on the underground. The driver and the onlookers are often traumatised for the rest of their life. When this happens, the driver is given paid leave and counselling until they are well enough to return to work. We may never know what the thoughts are moments before jumping, but we can start to have conversations more openly about this subject so that people can express how they feel instead of holding it all inside.
With personal experience of suicide, looking back the signs were there, but we did not voice what we had sensed. We can so easily dismiss the thoughts of asking them how they feel or what’s going on with them because we fear that we will make it worse or maybe not be able to help or even, it’s none of our business. Whatever the reason for the awkwardness, this is a conversation that needs to be happening, especially as suicide rates are rising and the devastation it causes to all concerned.
Thank you Elizabeth for sharing that it all begins with the impact of our life’s reflection to others. This goes with a responsibility to live with less protection and allow ourselves to feel each moment unfold.
Yes, it is long overdue time to listen to what is going on for us as a society, and this has to start with us listing to ourselves first, then we are able to listen and understand what is going on for another more easily.
I have had a few friends whose fathers have suicided and it is totally devastating. There is so much shame around it for people and it is not openly talked about and this changes the grieving process as there is an awkwardness or avoidance of people bringing the person up, so those left behind are often not able to speak about it or share how they truly feel.
It is awful when someone takes their own life. We had a close family member do just that last year and I felt so shocked when I heard the news and then the anger came quickly after that. Neither lasted very long but I did feel hurt by the decision that had been made and having experienced this it is easy to see how some people never get over the shock of it.
Ill mental health is often seen as dangerous and something that occasionally happens as an unfortunate thing that comes over us but what if the way we are all living together is contributing to it? What if thinking negatively about our looks is already ill mental health? If we don’t make our own lives more loving and our relationships too these statistics can’t but rise until we make a change.
Nearly 1 million people suicide every year. It doesn’t matter if this is a worldwide number or not, its still huge. Having worked in health and hospitals for a long time I have certainly seen the investment shortfall in the mental wellbeing of our community. Something that I find interesting to reflect on is how some illnesses or disease attract more funding than others. The big ticket items of cancer and heart disease seem to take a lion’s share in community funding, media, etc while others don’t.
So care needs such as mental health, palliative care, aged care, dementia don;t really seem to attract the same level of interest. We could say that the in the latter these are potentially much more exposing for us as a community, for it exposes how we are living on every level, how we relate and interrelate, what our social supports are like and how living as individual units or even individual family units will not serve us as a community in the long run.
The stats never fail to shock me to my core. Almost a million men committing suicide a year? That is outrageous. And yes, you nailed it Leonne, we are still imposing the stereotype ideals on men to be tough and get on with it. How much worse does it need to get before we really really get it, that it doesn’t work?!
Really we should have been up in arms when one man took their life, now we have to work hard to undo much of the harm that has been done.
‘We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be.’ Absolutely Samantha – we need to challenge the systems that encourage us to live in isolation from each other and put pressure on men to deny their innate sensitivity. It is only when we start truly connecting with ourselves and each other that we will start to turn the tide on these shocking suicide statistics.
Love the Serge Benhayon quotes. Why do we raise our sensitive tender young boys to be tough when inside we all want to be loved and cared for – men and women alike?
When we start the open conversation about suicide, and death and dying we break the mentality that they are taboo subjects to discuss and start to honestly expose and understand what is really going on for people in our society today.
Suicide is devastating to those who are left behind – and it is very telling that it affects so many men who let themselves be manoeuvred into such an impasse that taking their own life can be thought to be a viable option.
‘Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide.’ – how can we accept this as just a part of life. This figure is staggering and that we simply shrug it of as a part of today’s life highlights just how disconnected we are from ourselves and each other as a civilisation. What is going on to have so many feel that life is no longer worth living? The sad fact is that we seem to not care enough ourselves to be concerned by these statistics which are offering us a snapshot of how we are doing as a humanity. As you have said Samantha we need to address this now, starting by having these discussions and looking at how we ourselves are living, as we are ultimately all responsible for the way our world has developed today through what qualities we are allowing to shape our society.
When we realize that we are all connected, that irrespective of whether we lock ourselves away in our own little boxes… It doesn’t matter… We are literally all one and everything that we do affects everyone else, and we are simply put, one family.
We naturally have a responsibility for one another, it’s so incredibly sad to hear as a whole global human society we are failing so many people in that they feel they need to end their lives. Surely there is never a stronger indicator that every single interaction we have with another human being is incredibly important.
Its so wonderful Samantha that Toby got to meet you and so wonderful that you got to meet Toby. Suicide is where a person believes they have no other option. One of the starting points to support people to not commit suicide is to talk about and consider all the forces involved to influence a person to commit suicide. One of those influences comes from the dark forces that surround a person in the energy of depression . The voices they hear to coax them to commit suicide come from entities that want to take their power away , these entities ” get off ” on the bullying of the person to commit suicide.
Having many men in my life who have suffered from mental illness at some stage of their lives I can connect to this sharing in many ways. Many men feel isolated and alone if they have mental illness because it is expected that they be tough and strong and not share how they really feel. Allowing men the space to share and express how they truly feel and services where they can seek help is very important and allows them to feel that they are not alone and gives a greater voice to the problem at large.
It is a non-negotiable, we have to speak up and change the way we parent and value men in our society to ensure we give men a reflection that if they are themselves, if they are sensitive, caring and even delicate they will still be loved and celebrated by women. The fear of rejection drives men into behaviours that are deeply harming for and to them.
What you have expressed in this blog Samantha is horrifying and a sad indictment on our society, we certainly have got it very very wrong. Lets keep the conversation going.
When I read this blog I am very touched by the connection that was built with Toby. So often people with mental health conditions are avoided or ignored and some must feel quite isolated. It is true that the services available to people with mental health are inadequate and stretched to breaking point, due to the increasing mental health problems in society. But if we took a leaf out of the authors book, there may be more genuine community support and connections available, reducing the isolation and other factors that impact on rates of healthcare use.
when we read that 800,000 people commit suicide each year it is an extraordinarily obvious flag being raised to signal to humanity that something is desperately wrong… And reinforces even more the need for What Universal Medicine is presenting to the world to be heard, read, and lived.
‘Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?’ This is so true Samantha. I watched two young boys playing together at a community event at the weekend. They were super sweet and very tender with each other, naturally so and it made me ponder on what causes boys as they grow up to feel they have to cover up what is innately beautiful.
A chilling, realistic and honest account of suicide in our society, thank you Samantha. We certainly do need to open up the conversation to dig deeper into the causes and impact of suicide.
Of late I can see more organisations are trying to bring suicide out of the closet and have it spoken about so the root cause can be addressed, but this giant killer, particularly of young men has a long way to go before it is really understood.
It seems that we are a very large and slow tanker to turn around – we talk about it but changing our behaviour and our expectations becomes personal and I still see there is an enormous fear of rejection and of being mocked for not being that rough and tumble man with a hard exterior and tender and gentle inside.
Yes there are so many screaming examples of why it is time for us as a society to listen to what is really going on. I wonder just how loud the messages need to get before we start to collectively listen and ask the questions that are so in our face.
I agree Nicola – these statistics are a clear sign that we as a humanity are slowly but surely killing ourselves with how we are with each other and the lovelessness and disconnection we are allowing to be ‘normalised. This is not what we truly want, how we want our relationships or the wold for that matter to be. Through what we have agreed to we have paved this current way of existence for us, and through accepting responsibility in our lives we can begin to reset our foundations to support us to live with the greater values of love and truth that respect us all.
A friend just told me the other day that her son had tried to commit suicide; superficially, this young man looks like the most unlikely candidate for such a self-brutalising act and yet, it happened and is happening right now to others as we speak.
“No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.” the tragedy of suicide is felt by so many people, with the rates at an alarming level, a tragedy that could be prevented if we as a society were more lovingly connected to our selves and then to each other, for every human being is our brother.
In living we can experience that death is in fact a positive experience for change to happen, it can be a time full of love and respect and appreciation, it can actually bring people closer together and strengthen relationships with deeper intimacy and trust. Every person has the right to experience this, every person has it in them to have this as their way of passing over.
So often suicide rates are an after thought on a daily media distractions – playing second fiddle to social media rants on the world of entertainment and latest must have’s. Is this not a telling sign on how dismissive we are and chose to ignore a world problem that is not going away?
The rates of suicide continue at unacceptable levels, and as a society we need to become incensed by this, so much that we all say this needs to stop. Only then will the doors open and walls come down to the myriad of reasons why men feel so distraught and so hopeless that the only way out is to take their own life.
I have always thought that in order to actually go through with the act of suicide, a person must be extremely desperate and depressed, but quite often some people come across as business as usual and their relatives have no idea what they are planning, and it comes as a total shock. But then I wonder are the signs always there but we fail to pay attention or too involved in our own lives to care enough, and brushing the warning signs aside.
The problem with suicide, like many social problems that are seemingly beyond our control, is that in truth they are beyond our immediate control. However, this is not to say we cannot contribute to solving the problem. However, whilst we need management systems and systems of support for those who are in need, the best way to deal with the spectre of suicide is to understand its root cause, and that is a lack of connection. And so, if you wish to contribute to the issue of suicide, then live in full in such a way that inspires others to do the same. Stop being insular, and thinking that the boundaries of your world are defined by your white picket fence. Meet people in the eye. Let them know by a simple glance that they are worth your time. That may seem a small thing, but it is worth remembering the actions of Mr Ritchie, known as the Angel of The Gap, a known suicide haunt in Sydney where many a person jumped to their deaths. He was known for saving many a life simply by reaching out and offering those in need with a good chat and a cup of tea back at his house. There is no doubt that many who commit suicide have such deep seated mental health issues that a simple cup of tea and moment of connection won’t change things, but he proved that in many cases, such a simple gesture is often all that is required to assist someone to heal and move away from such an extreme way of dealing with their pain.
Currently there is a lot of awareness being brought to doctors who are suiciding. The more awareness we bring to these issues the better. Sooner or later we have to realize that the way that we are living is simply not working and there has to be another way so that people do not see suicide as a viable option.
It really does highlight how feelings of being alone and unsupported with the tensions and stresses of life people are feeling if so many people consider and commit to such an act.
We all experience stress and tension in our lives but for some it’s too much. And I wonder now, for those who aren’t in that place, what are we doing, what can we do to support those who need that support? Are we even doing anything or keeping to ourselves?
To consider there is no way to resolve the pain being felt, to consider no-one around you can support you with that pain and the only option is to end your life – that is not a quick decision. We have time to help those who want to be helped. My question would be, do we really listen when people talk? Do we take time to hear the unspoken, and if we do, do we know how help a person find the support they are looking for to address the pain of separation they feel?
“We all need to be starting the conversation and asking why are these suicide numbers so high? What can we do about it as a society to ensure people feel heard and then to ensure that there is enough true support?”
Indeed we do, this should be on the front pages of all our newspapers.
What’s scary and exposing about suicide is that it isn’t just one group of people or society that choose to take their life but ALL kinds of people, even those we consider ‘highly intelligent’ or super successful. This goes to show that our current standards of ‘success’ are inaccurate, and that everyone needs equal support to understand what love is and practically implement that into their lives.
we are indeed in desperate times Samantha when even our doctors are at increasing likelihood of suicide – those who have dedicated their lives to the health and well-being of others are feeling isolated and withdrawn enough to take their own lives… when even one suicide should be enough to make everyone stop and consider what has become of us as a community. What have we allowed to arise through our own unwillingness to see what is truly going on.