I met ‘Toby’ (name changed) at an Art Exhibition about 10 years ago. I was immediately drawn to his warmth and open-heartedness: he was a caretaker at a disused church that had been turned into an Arts Centre. Toby suffered from a number of physical complaints, as well as mental health disorders, that impacted his life daily.
As I got to know Toby I would often pop in to the centre to see him for a chat, say hello and have a cup of tea with him.
Over the years that I got to know him, I witnessed him have highs and lows and it was here that I really started to notice how little support there is available for people with mental health issues.
I had been travelling for a while and, on my return, wanted to give Toby a card I had been carrying around to give to him. I remember going past where he lived, thinking to pop by and say hello and give him the card, yet was feeling busy that day and left it.
The following day I heard Toby had committed suicide. He was found hanging from the roof in the church.
- “Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1)
- Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. (2)
- Of the total number of suicides registered in 2014 in the UK, 76% were males and 24% were females. (3)
- More than 55,000 suicides occur in the European Union each year, including more than 6,000 in the UK and Ireland. (4)
These statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong. Every one of these men is someone’s friend, brother, son or dad. Beautiful men, like Toby, each have so much to give, and are cutting their lives short though sheer desperation.
Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?
And whilst we commendably see high-profile campaigns on driving safely, and testicular cancer, suicide – the biggest killer of men under 50 – is not discussed and highlighted as it needs to be. What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?
Unfortunately, from personal observation and from having worked in mental health, I can only see these statistics getting worse. Why? Because we are not addressing the root causes; we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves.
We all need to be starting the conversation and asking why are these suicide numbers so high? What can we do about it as a society to ensure people feel heard and then to ensure that there is enough true support? And why does this affect three times more men than women?
Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“
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As a society, and in truth as a worldwide family, we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.
We can no longer leave any stone unturned when it comes to looking at the root causes of these statistics. Just for starters, we need to look at all the systems we have in place – the education system, the legal system, the healthcare system – and look to why there is not a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures. No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.
Many men like Toby have ended their lives too soon, leaving family and friends devastated. To me this highlights the responsibility we all have for our mental well-being, but also the lack of support and connection we have with each other in society. We can no longer keep suicide isolated.
We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?
We are in desperate times and unless we fully acknowledge the problem and no longer distract ourselves away from it, then the number of suicides will increase. Let’s not allow that to happen, by starting to change the way we relate to each other now, and no longer accepting the imposition society imposes on men.
“What do men want most?
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By Samantha, UK
References:
- http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/15/suicide-silence-depressed-men, UK Office for National Statistics, Statistical Bulletin
- http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/
- http://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2014registrations
- https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 555
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 560
| If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:
Australia: United Kingdom: In other countries: |
Further Reading:
Is the Internet the Answer to Loneliness?
Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self
Bullying and suicide in construction – Does building culture need to change?
636 Comments
When I was 18 a younger boy in our neighbourhood committed suicide. He had adopted a tough, punk personae yet underneath this he was clearly hurting. Much later, an older man in my broader family circle committed suicide. A successful business owner and a family man, he seemed (on the surface at least) to be living the good life. As this article indicates – and no doubt the personal experiences of many of us – our men and boys are struggling much more than we know, or want to know. The statistics back this up. Samantha is correct when she says we need to get on to this as a matter of urgency. Our approach to the matter of being a man is clearly flawed.
‘All men want to be loved for who they truly are’ Serge Benhayon. If this was to happen men would not feel so lonely and isolated and I suspect the suicide rates would go down considerably.
I feel the same goes for women too. Recently I have met a few women whose mothers committed suicide when the women were children, and the scars and not understanding are still carried today, felt in the body and audible in the voice while sharing. The conversation opened – and that was beautiful that this could be expressed too.
Thank you Samantha for sharing and for further raising awareness of this most important subject. This is a topic that had touched me some time ago now and yes, the statistics are alarming. In the UK there is a tragic fact of a successful suicide every 90 minutes and if you equate that to the international stage the figure tumbles to a loss of one life every 40 seconds. Unfortunately, WHO do not expect the situation to improve and estimate that the rate will double over the next few years giving a rate of one suicide ever 20 seconds by 2020. What has also really been impressed upon me is not only the human cost of a lost life but the dramatic effect on friends and family because the ramifications are simply horrific. This is a trauma that you can never really recover from and I am aware that it is estimated that a partner or son of a suicide victim is 3 times more likely to commit suicide themselves. In your blog you mention some very pertinent questions, the answers are complex but when life becomes trapped men have to feel that they are able to talk. Sadly, this is just not happening to such an extent that in a recent survey by YouGov 42% of all men admitted to considering suicide as a way out. In addition to Samaritans there are an increasing number of voluntary organisations that offer specialised support and are also raising awareness; but as students of The Way of The Livingness never has it been more important for us to show by reflection that there is an another way.
Being so disconnected from each other in society is a reflection of how disconnected we are from our bodies. When we are not with our body, not with ourselves, there is such an ache and longing for connection outside of ourselves, and when that is not met, we feel totally devastated.
I whole-heartedly commend you Samantha for starting this much needed conversation. These figures are shocking, from which it is clear that there is something blatantly amiss with the consciousness that we as society are subscribing to. The fact that in general we expect men to be ‘strong and tough’ to be considered ‘real men’ is forgoing any possibility for our men to be met and honoured for who they truly are, so they can freely express the sensitivity and tenderness that they all hold and feel within, without ridicule or judgement. I agree the responsibility is ours, all of us, and we can begin to turn these statistics around by meeting men for who they tenderly are, and to have these conversations within our communities to break down this ungodly consciousness that is clearly leading so many of our beautiful men to their demise.
I love this Richard it is so true when we make the choice to connect we are doing so much more then we realise.
This is a very shocking albeit very powerful and poignant blog Samantha and should be published in every tabloid to bring public awareness worldwide of these alarming and astoundingly tragic statistics. This is not okay – each and everyone can make a difference. We simply need to love and care for each other – no holds barred!
Thank you Samantha for expressing and sharing on a very delicate subject. I can feel how much it hurts me as a man to read this statistics. It hurts and I also feel like numb and overwhelmed. Every man (and every woman) taking his (and her) life is one too much. We’re to re-find a way that enables us to simply care and love each other. Let’s stop playing the tough game and admit that we’ve all been deeply hurt, we all escape into our heads, we’re all the same. Yet, beneath the devastation is the joyful, tender, deeply loving and caring man (and woman). Are we willing to build a foundation together where life is accepted as a school that we’ve been offered (!!) to re-turn to live the love we are. Bit by bit, day by day. Life after life.
“Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” This statistic is staggering and should not be underestimated – to put it another way, the main reason men die in the prime of the life (20-49) is because they choose to end their own lives. What does this say about our way of living?
I spent pretty much all my life until my mid-40s knowing that things are very much not right and not knowing what to do about it on a deep level. I can see how this could turn into despair.
‘by starting to change the way we relate to each other now, and no longer accepting the imposition society imposes on men.’ Powerful messages in your entire blog Samantha, this part I have highlight is brilliant, it reminds us that we can certainly contribute to making a different to our society and our lives by looking at how we choose to relate to ourselves and each other on a daily basis. I feel that our lack of true connection has a huge correlation with our mental health. Firstly our connection to ourselves which affects our connection with others needs to be examined and develop, it is hugely important, and I feel it is key to many of our relationships and emotional issues. We are naturally drawn to connect and share with each other but many of our current setups, especially in the way we live often doesn’t support or make it easy for us to truly connect with each other. This is evident in our own homes and in our wider community. There is a growing trend I can see and people are becoming more and more isolated because of our lifestyle choices. So, working on building a deeper connection with ourselves and others is a starting point to supporting us on many, many levels, on our physical health as well as our mental health.
” No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.” Thank you Samantha for your sharing, I am amazed that that so many young men are taking their lives, it is time men are set free from the ideals of the tough macho man being strong, when in truth men are tender and very very sensitive this needs to be honoured, one man suiciding is one too many.
With these alarming rates of suicide is it not time that we stopped turning a blind eye and look at the root cause of why so many men are choosing to end their lives. This is not an issue that will go away until the cause is addressed and we all take responsibility rather than thinking that it doesn’t affect us. And that responsibility starts with taking simple steps as you did Samantha, choosing to deeply connect with others and meet their essence.
It is very true that society continues to stereotype men and women into roles – and to be honest, we each do likewise if we accept such beliefs and take on these roles.
The harm of living other than who we are is the first harm….add to this the pressure of trying to live up to something we are not and therefore can never obtain results in deeper and deeper unrest and disharmony.
It is important to express our true self – innate tenderness, fragility and vulnerability and to not take on roles that are falsely loading us up.
It is time to support men in being who they innately are, sensitive, vulnerable and tender. As women we are in the most powerful of positions to reflect this support as we know these qualities and can be very familiar with appreciating what it feels like to choose them or not for ourselves. There isn’t one set way of being for men – men are absolutely divine in any way they choose to express.
It’s a great point you raise about the link between society’s expectation on men, not allowing them to be who they truly are and the rates of suicide.
It is very important to bring awareness to this, a potent sign of our separated society, and to appreciate and take responsibility for what we can bring in our communities.
Yes to men women and children alike. When we start to bring this awareness and act on it, others can be inspired and so the ball can start rolling …
I clap my hands Samantha, this shows us extremely powerfull we are once we open up to see what is going on.. To take our sunglasses off and stop pretend.. To truly see and heal that we are on our way of self-destruction more than ever before, and that by all of our systems we are telling to continue with this in a way.. To not be ourselves , but a projection of something; an ideal, an images or thought.. You are so right Samantha, you inspire us all to step up. Let this Toby , with all millions of people who had committed suicide be now our wake up call to help: by truly seeing what is going on, support and get our hands dirty. We can not continue in this way, as otherwise the number will only become outragous and out of control..
Hello Samantha and some huge statistics for men and for us all. They will remain statistics unless we put something into action and we can’t rely or leave it to someone else to do it. Start having the kitchen table conversations now, bring the discussion to the street and let’s raise the awareness of what are some very very concerning figures. As you indicate we are horrified at the road toll and we spend a huge amount of money in education and policing and yet here we have something far greater that’s left virtually in the dark. It doesn’t make sense but when has a current system ever made sense.
These statistics are horrific – even one man committing suicide is a sign that all is not well – how come we have allowed so many to die? These figures should be daily headline news to wake us up to what is truly going on in our neighbourhood and in our world. Most of us know at least one person who has ended their own life so it touches us all.
I wonder exactly how many men feel lost enough to consider suicide. There must be so many who contemplate it. It is a sad state of affairs when the world is not aware or does not care about these statistics. Yes, something needs to change.
We do not learn nor are we supported to express ourselves, and to share what is truly going on with us, how we deep down feel and how life affects us. It is crazy how many of us feel alone in a world of billions and where we often share the same worries and daunting thoughts about life. I agree we cannot ignore anymore that something is utterly wrong in the way we are living.
Every single one of us wants to be appreciated and loved for who we are. The fact that society runs on a myriad of imposed images of what both men and women ought to comply with in order to be even accepted is a devastation every one of us faces from young. For men this is doubly crippling since from early in they tend to be told to “man up” and that showing their sensitivity is not okay. The question is so apt. How many more friends, fathers, brothers, sons need to take their own lives before we wake up and realise there is seriously something not right.
This is a really important topic Samantha. It doesn’t make sense at all that we don’t discuss suicide or seriously look at Why so many people are wanting or choosing to end their lives each day… It’s a huge flag that something isn’t going quite right in society and the world, and instead of ignoring this we have a responsibility to address it.
These stats fall on deaf ears. The worst are not even reported! If the media really made the big deal that these stats deserve then they would not be liked one bit. Most do not want to know and many do not want to be open to having their comfortable lives rocked by these statistics. It is indeed a wake up call for us all. If we are feeling well and enjoying life, then is it not our responsibility to support and seek to act with addressing the root of why these conditions pervade our society. The time to act is now.
I had never considered the fact that far more men suicide than women. But it makes sense when I look at the suicides in my immediate family and circle of friends: my brother, a cousin, a work colleague and the son of a friend. There is definitely a deficit to be addressed here, the reason why men feel alienated and as though they do not belong.
As a woman I am well aware I have carried prejudices, attitudes, and expectations of how men ought to be based on the beliefs and values of our culture and my family throughout my life. As women we have a responsibility to find the root cause of these beliefs that put up barriers between the genders and encourage men to repeat the patterns in the attempt to live what we expect them to be for us. The more we claim ourselves our truly feminine qualities And let them be, the stillness, the delicacy, the tenderness, the more we allow the men to feel and claim and live those innate qualities in themselves.
It is such a sobering conversation to start, it is catastrophic the pain caused by a suicide and for that person to be so lost at that time to feel that is the solution is really often unbearable for those involved, so we don’t talk about it. I work with young boys in classrooms and have had the opportunity to speak with them about feeling sad and how it is ok to cry etc this always comes from them as a question one child shared – ‘why do I feel shame when I feel sad?’ and then the boys themselves answered it as to the pressure there is for them to be tough and then they openly admitted that they cried and that there was nothing wrong with it. We need to give our children lots of opportunities to speak of how they feel so they don’t feel alone with thoughts that are unhealthy and can be deadly.
Beautifully said Vanessa. These thoughts that are unhealthy are only big when we don’t support our young boys and men. Talking about them they know they are not facing them and life alone. Life lived from being open and building meaningful relationships with a determined focus on community, not judgement, allows us to face and see whatever challenges we have are small compared to who we truly are when we let ourselves be including crying when upset.
Every man in his essence is deeply tender and caring yet so often these qualities are not celebrated and are in turn viewed as being weak. This becomes very confusing for men who ultimately know deeply who they truly are but often feeling as though they can not express from their tenderness as society says otherwise.
‘Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49’ This is very telling of how we treat men is not working. men are not feeling supported by the society we have created.
Thank you for starting a much needed conversation, Samantha. ‘we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves’ – absolutely. I have witnessed many gorgeous boys really struggle through their transition from boyhood to manhood, along with all the ‘expectations’ that that seemingly brings. The pressure is enormous, but the most disturbing part by far is that fact that these beautiful tender boys and men are not being truly met for the treasures that they are.
Dear Samantha,
What you share here is a fundamental truth of society, we are all responsible. First and foremost for how we hold and support ourselves. Then how we hold and connect with others. I am seeing first hand the gift living connected is to others, it is truly remarkable watching another change as they feel the connection too. Could such a way of being be the counter to suicide? I believe that it is.
I had a conversation with a man today whose partner had just told him to ‘man up’ when he was experiencing pain after an operation. Whilst they laughed off the comment it was obvious that it had in fact affected the man in question. Words hurt and it is these sorts of comments that do not support men to truly express what is going on within them.
Words carry a lot behind them and by us even sinply starting with this awareness is a huge step. Really asking ourselves what else do our words say and being responsible for the quality we deliver our expression would allow less pressures to exist in our society.
Words are so powerful, they carry energy and can hit deeply; and yes we may laugh it off – but do we? Deep down often something gets hurt and often we try not to show it; and when this happens often, then things compound and then we wonder why the statistics are the way they are.
Connecting to people without judgement from experience not only provides the space for the mental but the physical health as well. And when the body is allowed to relax it’s like it (the body) and the mind have some breathing room away from all those imposed judgements and expectations. It feels amazing in myself and when being witness to such occurring in another. By choosing to understand why we judge and expect ourselves to be a certain way we feel that imposition and when we stop that it stops being put onto others as well. It is a sad state of affairs when these expectations are accepted and remain unchallenged when the fact is this way of living with ourselves and others is not working.
When we are expected to behave, live, work in any way that is in disconnection to who we truly are there is a degree of stress associated and this varies from person to person. If isolation is added to the pressure and there is no feeling of belonging, community or opportunity to express, then the stress is escalated. Men are constantly expected to be hard, to hide their feelings and to meet the expectations that society dictates is what being a ‘Man’ is. Thank you Samantha for raising this for discussion and for sharing the statistics of suicide, it is shocking to read them in print but it is a wake up call to each of us to reach out to those that feel isolated and longing for community.
Brilliantly said Samantha. We are used to rallying calls about rising disease rates, charity drives for cancer research and concerned debates about dietary effects, but there is all this time a great big elephant sat in the room. For what does it say about our emotional state, that we choose to take ourselves out of life, and what kind of community is it we live in, when we work with others day-to-day and then say we are shocked and surprised when they choose to take themselves away? Surely this points towards a great disconnection that is going on in the centre of our lives? Surely it is time we re-adjusted our outlook and reconsidered our priorities, for if we don’t have connection to ourselves and to others, what really is the work, entertainment, good deeds and leisure time worth?
You are so very correct when you say: “these statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong”. In fact even if one person commits suicide we have got it very wrong let alone the epidemic we are facing. Many people are also committing a slow suicide with their life style choices so the huge statistics are realistically growing exponentially.
There is such a narrow stereotype for men to follow that society deems as the way for men to be and it is rubbish. I can see the narrowness in men’s movements, in their stiff hips and how they protect themselves when talking to another. It is vitally important that we allow men to know that their true nature is valued and that they are loved for who they truly are.
‘How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?’ Just this question is a stop and wake up call. The statistics are shocking ‘Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. (2)’ Only yesterday a colleague was talking about mental health to me and said ‘when is mental health going to be treated as real as something like cancer?’. Not only this though it is 1. knowing the true root and cause of why we have mental illness and 2. having the absolute support for those that do experience this to help them turn this around and enable them to be the absolutely gorgeous person they truly are.
“Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” I read this with tears in my eyes feeling the deep devastation that our tender men a pushed to such end. True connection, recognition of our tender natures and consideration of the all, is the way we can bring change into the loveless systems, systems that do not support men, or humanity, to naturally be themselves.
Wow, what is happening in the world when these are the statistics. I know of men in my network of family and colleagues who have committed suicide and I bet I could safely say that everyone knows someone, or someone who knows someone who has taken their own life at a point where they have seen no other option or way out of their inner turmoil. This is a very important subject that we need to all be aware of and speaking about as this does not need to be the way.
So true Samantha all men and women want is to be loved for who they truly are as tender and loving beings. However there is much disconnection and isolation in our communities as we are focused on bettering our own individual lives and protecting our own families.
I agree Jenny and so the more we see men for who they truly are the more we get to see their purpose and so do they.
Men and women alike – everyone really wants just to be seen and met and loved for the love that they/we inherently are. Even by just addressing that men want to be seen and loved for who they are – by making the distinction on ‘men, it creates separation as we all want this. So lets include us all, bringing this to our awareness more and more so that we can start to make a difference in our daily lives in our interactions with others, be it men, women or children.
Thank you, Samantha. Your article made me stop and recount how many people I actually knew who committed suicide and all of them were men. They were all different in their nationality, age, life style, personality etc. – yet they came to the same decision in the end. At each occasion, everyone around them was left wondering why, and we were forced to admit how little we actually knew about them, how our ‘connection’ was shallow, and we felt powerless. The two quotes by Serge Benhayon you have shared here present something we as a society have yet to embrace, and offers a possibility that maybe there IS something we can do.
Thank you Samantha for highlighting the staggering statistics regarding male suicide – I for one had no idea it was that high. These figures alone show us that there is something seriously wrong with how we are living and relating to each other.
Great blog, Samantha, getting honest about the quiet desperation that untold numbers are living in day to day. These statistics are a ‘sign of the times’ we are in, and an urgent call back to the basics of responsibly caring for everyone in our communities.
These shocking statistics are a reflection of how ideals and beliefs of how men should be impact those who refuse to compromise their innately sensitive nature in a world that does not currently support this. We can no longer ignore this and every one of us can make a difference just by, as Samantha says, being willing to listen without judgement. When I first started working in mental health I was concerned about having conversations about whether someone felt suicidal in case that made them more likely to act on it. What I have realised is that for many young men they are not having these conversations with anyone else and are feeling increasingly desperate. Appropriate mental health support is sadly lacking for many but every one can be a compassionate listening ear and together we can start to challenge the current norms that have led to this situation.
‘Just for starters, we need to look at all the systems we have in place – the education system, the legal system, the healthcare system – and look to why there is not a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures.’ I work in the education system. I know for a fact many individual teachers do have compassion and care as their foundation in the classroom, however the system has become very driven and its now all about targets and looking good in the league table.
These statistics are horrific and expose clearly how society is getting it wrong, how the focus on achievement – to something or someone – is not the answer to fulfillment. It is time to recognise the answer lies in the acknowledgement of men’s true nature – tenderness – and a huge step towards that is to widely publicise and talk about suicide.
The way the education system currently operates and seems to be heading is depressing. When I speak to parents everyone feels the same about the extraordinary amount of pressure on young children to ‘tick boxes’ and ‘get results’ rather than it being about the child and each individual young persons needs. Yes, education is very important and the teachers do an extraordinary and vastly undervalued job but the pressures on them and those going through the system is intense. This system then amplifies at senior level and young children are left feeling they have no option other than to take drastic measures, with statistics such as drug use, alcohol use and self harming on the rise. This is not to blame the education system as the desperation felt in young people comes from a world that is telling them to be something they are not, a message being fed to them every which way they turn. Education is just one part of the jigsaw which is going further and further away from what is truly needed to support our young children to ‘succeed’ in the world.
Thank you for writing this article Samantha. The statistics are shocking. It is clear the way we are living is not working. ‘These men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.’
For sensitive people the world is a very hard place to be in. There is too much going on. There are way too many reasons to retrenche and withdraw from life. The problem is when you identify life with what you are able to grasp only through your five senses and you feel you do not belong in there. When you see yourself in such a prison, it is very difficult to even conceive that there is an amazing beauty beyond the walls you hace acceptd as the limit. What the esoteric work has helped me is to always know that we do belong to the Universe and that feeling it is the most extraordinary feeling that is also the most ordinary one.
I agree Sam, there is not enough investigation into suicide. It’s not a random phenomena there is a fully fledged reason why it happens so often, and I agree that there shouldn’t be a stone left unturned until we find out the true cause for someone needing to end their life, and how we can support people to flourish.
There is just not enough support out there for people who need it, but we as men may be too proud or something to actually ask for it anyway even if it was there, so we let the old pressure cooker keep building up until something has to give. It is just so sad that people see suicide as the only way out of their problems when many of them could be solved by us all being more open to caring about each other and being less out for ourselves.
Our greatest battle we will ever fight is with ourselves, are we just crushed by the size and weight of the wall we have built when it falls on us?
Samantha, until reading your article I had not realised what high levels of suicide there were, I had thought it was very rare as it is something that is never really spoke about or in the media, this is shocking and yes needs to be talked about, I absolutely agree with this, ‘Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?’
This topic is sidelined and ignored…it’s great that you have started the conversation Samantha. Even reading your blog it’s hard to take in the statistics and make it real. We have definitely got it wrong down the line by creating expectations that men need to be a certain way… a way that is not true to the tenderness men naturally are.
It has always been pounded into us men that to be a man we must be hard. When we do feel our tenderness, the contrast between how we feel and what the world expects from us plants the seed of confusion within us. We hide from the world behind our wall that we have built. I have personally known to many men that kept the hard veneer for the world to see and then quietly slipped away. By allowing ourselves to embody the tenderness we are and expressing it openly, we become a reflection for others that there is another way to be a man.
A beautifully written powerful and compassionate blog about your experiences with ‘Toby’. You write with such and care for ‘Toby’ and humanity (our brothers and sisters) it is hugely inspiring to read. Sadly, in my life I have known of many young people who have died prematurely and it is incredibly shocking that almost all of them committed suicide. These young people, had lots of friends and seemingly ‘successful’ lives, they were deemed as perhaps ‘having it all’ and yet, each one of them ended their lives prematurely out of desperation. Suicide effects not just those with mental health disorders but those who’s lives look like there is nothing wrong from the outside. How have we got to a place where our friends or family members can be suffering mentally and we aren’t fully aware of it? Or that we are so ill equipped to sense the severity and do something about it? Or that the support is just not there as the NHS and other resources are so immensely over stretched?
In raising my two sons, I have had first hand experience of what those pressures are that seem to just rise up and seek to squash all the delicacy out of boys right from the start. There is a huge amount of idealised thinking that comes crushing down upon boys about who they should be and how they should act. However, what I have discovered, is that by not accepting this in my home, by only accepting the truth of who they are and nothing less, they are growing in to these beautifully sensitive self-assured young men, who have no to very little need for pleasing the ideals and for changing themselves to accommodate societies rules about who or what men should be. They seem to be content with themselves, deeply loving and caring and willing to express this at any moment. So, does the change that we want to see in our communities and in society in general, start at home with our relationships with eachother?
Woah! Those suicide statistics are horrendous.. They are super telling of how lost so many of us feel in a society and world that puts function before relationships and love.
There are so many tensions in the world today and added to this is the pressure so many impose on themselves to fit into the picture of how they think they should fit in. We should all honour and nurture our boys and men for the truly tender beings they are and treasure our girls and young women for the precious, delicate women they are.
I have worked on help lines for young people in distress and feeling suicidal. Mental ill-health is one of the most mis-understood and neglected of all ill-health conditions. As society we are slow to recognise its symptoms and often don’t know how to respond when we do. There is so much stigma attached to mental illness that often and within families it remains hidden and left undiagnosed. We need more public awareness programmes and support for young people and their families.
You ask a very pertinent question Samantha – “Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?” I have known a few people now who have suicided. The support for the depressed and lonely is minimal in the care system. Society is falling apart and many just seem to want to numb themselves further. It is time for us all to wake up and face reality.
We all have our part to play in not meeting men for who they truly are. The world does not have time for sensitivity and tenderness and there are many young men struggling to cope and know who they truly are and how to live in a world that does not meet them in their sensitivity. The statistics you show Samantha offer us a reflection that there is something very wrong with the world when suicide is increasing at such an alarming rate.
I agree Alison, the world is not designed to allow for such an honouring way of living. To allow for men to be themselves and then to let them express themselves fully is not a way of living we have supported in any way as far as I can see. And so when this occurs men do not know what to do with themselves and they have no idea what is going on, articles such as these need to be placed more in the public eye so that more men and women can see the enormity of our current dysfunctional world.
Samantha the statistics you share need to be more publicly viewed. Suicides often happen in silence with only immediate family and friends left to deal with the devastation caused. I have observed something recently that some women choose to live in a way that triggers and solidifies for example a mental health condition like depression. Their lack of energy and interest in life suggests they have given up on life. They may not actively choose to commit suicide but are choosing to end their life sooner rather than later. There is a belief out there that says ‘ Rather die doing what I know and is familiar rather than change the way I live my life’
The thing with statistics is that I hear them read them etc but not really stop and consider what they truly mean. If I do I cannot escape feeling that life as it is today is indeed not working for us all. Suicide is not something that is just happening, neither is any other form of illness and disease, it is a call out to the world and all of us that something needs to change. Statistics are people and that is what we need to start to feel and see to make a true change. Thank you for sharing this Samantha.
There is so much gold living and breathing in every one of us, so its such a waste when that gold gets isolated, unused and disconnected from everyone who needs to share it. We are more as a society when we gather all the nuggets up, and the loss of even one nugget is a travesty to be pondered on, and not swept under the carpet.
Very informative blog in regards to the number of men who suicide each year and I agree the question needs to be asked as to what can we do as a community to support these men before they get that desperate that they choose to take their own life.
This really is an entirely different way of dealing with this situation and seeing that we are all responsible, if we all lived this way we would naturally see very different suicide rates, something I would definitely like to see happen.
Samantha what a powerful article. As you say “No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons.”. Mental Health is a very stigmatised condition and something that many avoid dealing with. We talk about community yet in many communities we avoid the very connections that can bring true change and build trust again. When I compare my experience of the connections and communities in Vietnam to the UK it is clear that we have lost what family and relationships are truly about.
Samantha, you are quite right. When men don’t know how to be hard and tough or if their particular subculture isn’t working for them any more, there is often nowhere to go.
Yes, Christoph, there is such a lack of guidance for young men about how to be themselves in the world.
So true, and what the media offers is anything but supportive of their true development and growing into responsible and caring tender men that they inherently all are.
Suicide is not possible in connection. To me these alarming and sad statistics are a reflection of the lack of connection in our societies.
Felix, if this is the case and we know that using screens is a form of disconnection then what are we doing allowing children more and more time in front of screens, be it social media, television or computer gaming? I read on the news recently that the recommended viewing time for television of children under the age of 2 has been increased, giving parents a false sense that television is of no harm.
We all have a part to play in creating a world where men are allowed to just be themselves, to not have to play the tough macho, everything for everyone guy., where they would be allowed to express their natural innate tenderness and sensitivity. Women can put many expectations, pictures and impositions upon men just as we may do with ourselves, but not once has this ever supported a man to open up and express all of this tenderness he holds inside.
Thank you Samantha for raising our awareness how every detail counts and how we cannot allow our business to override what the true impulses are and how simple connection can support people around us and not to forget about the sensitivity of men when relating to them.
It is important that we start the conversation on suicide, especially why it is that it is the greatest killer in men in the age between 20 and 49. What you share here is for me now a truth, we men are prescious, delicate tender beings, eqaul to women but are told from young to be rough and tough, and that boys don’t cry. Do we ever consider what the impact is of this way of upbringing adn how we have organised our education system? We need to start to talk about this in this way because only then we will come to the truth, the root cause of this devastating situation in our societies.
Thank you Samantha for sharing, your blog is very much needed. The more we become aware of our current state of health, physically and mentally this will perhaps inspire people to stop and ask these very fundament questions you’ve raised. And also, how are we living, treating ourselves and each other? Why is the rate of suicide so high? It is a huge concern and something is desperately missing in our society. We are a growing society that is celebrating disconnection more and more instead of true connection. Reading your blog highlights to me how important it is to connect to ourselves, to people and work together to support each other instead of competing, fostering jealousy, hatred, anger and disharmony. Everyone matters and we are all deeply connected to each other, more so than we think. This is a powerful blog reminding us to respect and live who we are. We can choose to celebrate our true selves, each other, our delicateness and tenderness in both men and women.
Thank you Samantha for beginning this vitality needed conversation. I know that people often wonder what they, just one voice, can do to make a difference but as you say so succinctly; “We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be”, so let’s begin to say no to the way boys are raised to be men who bury their innate tenderness under a hard exterior so they can be accepted in this world.
Thank you Samantha. These statistics are horrifying but not surprising as men face intense pressure to deny their sensitivity from the moment they enter the world (or even before). We cannot pretend the problem is ‘out there’ we are all affected by this issue. If we take responsibility for our part in the dysfunctional systems we currently have we can find a way to arrest this cycle together.
A great blog that really highlights impact that suicide has on families and society. Every time someone suicides it is devastating to all around, because there is so much preciousness in each and every life, and every relationship and to look at a society that values the success of some while others are struggling is alarming.
That was an a very much needed article Samantha, it brings home the fact that society has to encourage men to express from their true tenderness and sensitivity.
An astoundingly beautiful, compassionate and powerful blog, Samantha. A call to all of us to really sit up and take notice of the lives around us and how we are connecting with them. You ask the big questions that need to be thoroughly addressed by all systems, by all people. It’s disgraceful that it has come to this state when we are all so naturally warm and tender human beings. Why let anything get in the way of that?
What we get to see so obviously right now, when we choose to look in that direction, is the consequence of the ideal men are put under by society and themselves. It is deeply saddening to hear the statistics. And feeling that it is the way that we choose to live in is killing us men, it brings a deeper responsibility to me to live more of the tender and sensitive man I know myself to be as that reflection is so desperately needed.
‘Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49..” that was shocking to read I had no idea Samantha. How very sad when these young men are so lost that they see no other way but to take their own lives. It’s true we need to not only speak out but look to how men are expected and conditioned from when they are very young to not feel hurt, ‘to toughen up’ to put on a brave front, to not show their feelings and to be competitive and in so doing we are telling them to shut out their natural tender, gentle and sensitive qualities and they lose sight of who they truly are. We need to be nurturing these qualities instead of suppressing them.
There are many who would disagree with Samantha and say things are not that bad, yet I feel that is due to what we have accepted as normal. We have a long way to go in changing how we view men in particular, and stop the crazy drive to compete and compare as men and live up to the stereotypes of being tough. Accepting men are gentle and have feelings would be a great first step toward better mental health. And then finding way to support men to actually express feelings would be the next one.
I wholeheartedly agree with you Stephen, until we change the views of what men should be that is everything we are not naturally like being tender, gentle and loving these numbers are sure to rise.
The bar for the so called ‘normal’ seems to be continuously dropping. Yet what I see and feel in society feels very far from normal and natural. Our ‘common’ has been replaced with this term normal. And the trouble with that is then the common becomes the reflection and the ok place to be at because the extremities of life keep dropping. However for every force there is an exact opposite – and this is obviously reflected in many around the world who choose to live in a supportive and loving way in life. People like Serge Benhayon and many of the Universal Medicine students now very much living opposite to the common and what I would call ‘normal and natural’ and so are reflecting the possibility of what can be lived in today’s society.
Samantha this is a topic at the fore front of my mind at the moment after hearing of the suicide of a young teen in my area recently. I see and hear the impact that it has on the others left behind. The school friends , siblings and especially parents and grandparents. This to me shows that we need to discuss what life is about and why we are here on this Earth, and take the pressure off these young people who often see life as pointless! It seems we are afraid to speak the truth that may inspire us all anew. Speaking out is food for thought! LOVE is the answer.
True loving connection is the opposite of depression in the body, so we have the information…. now to bring it into our livingness.
This is absolutely true – it is time that we allow men to be men, meet them for who they truly are and
encourage and allow their expression of deep sensitivity and tenderness from young to old.
Samantha – A powerful and much needed topic of discussion – the suicide statistics are shocking, to say the least and this alone should be a huge red flag of alert that we are living in a most unnatural way and far from the Universal Laws we could be choosing to live by.
“These statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong”.
Thank you Samantha, suicide is a major problem and the fact that so many men are making this an option demonstrates that we as a society are not making everything about people first. The lovelessness is rife and this needs to be addressed within ourselves first and foremost so that we can be there for others in a real way.
Great point Kathleen, we are not making life about people first. We make it about work but not how we are in work and the people we work with. We have relationships but we don’t make it about how we are with each other in the relationships. Everything in life is geared towards the doing and not the being.
Until a certain age or stage of development is reached, male infants / very young children are often indistinguishable from their female counterparts. Both are delicate, tender and expressive in similar ways – until we as individuals and society as a whole start to impose our ideals and beliefs on them, such as boys are tough, men don’t cry and so on. If we left boys alone to be who they are, we might have far less of the anguish that can lead to suicide.
Victoria so true. I have observed how young boys at the tender age of 7 or 8 are pushed into team and competitive sports like rugby, football, cricket, squash, tennis without ever considering the impact long-term of these activities on their children. There seems to be a dis-connect: parents unable to discern the energy behind sports, but instead hold firmly to the belief that it is good for the child. As you say ‘If we left boys alone to be who they are, we might have far less of the anguish that can lead to suicide. And if not suicide, there may be far fewer young men struggling to find themselves and often developing mental ill-health conditions.
Saying no to our loveless, empty systems… It’s funny, but when we consider systems are comprised of and formed by people for people – who all presumably want the same things, such as connection, love and support – we have to wonder how this state of affairs came to be. Is it because we moved away from the concept of community to a world where efficiency and process is king, where profit and mission come before people? If so, we need to radically reorient the way we do things.
Samantha, this is heart-felt beautiful call for us all to wake up to the desperation that is occurring every day, so many moments in the day by so many men who feel deeply un-met in today’s society. As you say, we skirt around the topic of suicide and we skirt around the root causes. Meanwhile beautiful sensitive men continue to take their lives because they don’t feel it is worth being lived.
Thank you for writing this Samantha, these are sobering statistics. That so many young men are taking their lives as a way out is tragic. It is a clarion call for us to be looking at the deeper core issues and disconnection that is amongst us.
Who does not want to be loved for who we truly are?
Victoria the statistics are shocking and so is the ripple effect. This is not new but it is on the rise. I remember feeling really disconnected and depressed at times, thoughts of suicide would jump into my head and whilst I knew I would never do that I didn’t really know how to come out of that cycle until I started to take deeply loving care of myself and build relationships that were based on true connections. I have no doubt we could change these statistics by getting together and working on bringing true connections to relationships from school, home, work and beyond.
It is a clarion call Victoria, I agree, we do need to be talking about suicide and why this is happening. To be honest just one person suiciding is not OK. Anyone that kills themselves due to finding life too difficult to deal with is devastating.
When looking at figures like these, it is clear there is much to be addressed in the way we are living and approaching life. It’s asking us to look at the bigger picture and make adjustments on a grander scale than just looking for solutions (that we simply don’t have).
Growing up I don’t recall really hearing about suicide or knowing anyone who had suicided. Now, in one month I heard of three men suiciding, that I know their families and/or friends. And seeing friends of friends sharing on social media about a friend or a family member who has suicided. As you say Samantha, it affects so many, of course family and friends but also work colleagues, the local shop that they always went to, the school and community they live in, sporting group etc. I hear young boys say to each other ‘just go kill yourself’, as if they’re saying go and play soccer. We have become so desensitised especially if it’s not happening in our own backyard. Connection and understanding needs to be brought into all their relationships, with people we just meet for one minute or that we live with every day. We are all craving connection and being intimate and open with others. Thank you Samantha for bringing understanding to this topic.
“No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.” Samantha, I hear your call that we are in fact all one. What happens to one of us, happens to all of us.
These statistics are alarming but a must read on how desperate things have got for many men that they feel this is their only option. This blog is a great opportunity to bring this topic to the forefront.
A noble conversation starter Samantha, thankyou. In my life I have had three close friends of mine take their own lives, all of these young men. Particularly, they were very sensitive and delicate men that felt displaced in the world and had let their pain and seeming isolation from others overwhelm them. All three of these men began ‘self medicating’ using drugs and alcohol to alleviate the pain they could find no other escape from. So when I hear the words spoken by Serge Benhayon: “All men want to be loved for who they truly are”, I immediately feel the responsibility we all have to not blindly accept the image of a man we have been fed to believe is the ‘real man’, but is in-truth a lie, and instead honour the innate delicateness and sensitivity that all man have but hide because it is seen a ‘wussy’ or weak. True power is found in our ability to see and feel everything. Therefore, such sensitivity is far sexier than the layers of protection (excess muscle and brawn) that are used to hide this.
Thank you Samantha. You have touched on perhaps the most fundamental aspect that we as human beings have fostered and that is that we are somehow ‘broken’ or ‘inadequate, particularly as men. As a society (speaking generally) we championed that the key to life is on the outside, in achievements and having a particular persona etc. In doing so we have forfeited the truth that each of us holds within, the well of love and ‘enoughness’ that we seek on the outside and this is ‘killing us’!
Thank-you Samantha for sharing about this topic, it is a much needed one indeed. I have been affected with suicide in my life by knowing one person who succeeded and someone very close to me that tried on several occasions and almost succeeded except he was found by a couple in his car while they were walking. This was many years ago and I remember feeling helpless to help them and so resorted to not even mentioning it for fear of upsetting them or something. If we were much more transparent and talked about things in an open and truly caring way with each other all of the time, perhaps we could stop as many unnecessary suicides through them feeling life was just not worth being a part of and that there is no true support.
” If we were much more transparent and talked about things in an open and truly caring way with each other all of the time”. Yes Julie there is an absolute need to talk openly and sincerely with each other. Three people in my life committed suicide and still the taboo exists. One is left with incomprehension, void and a wall of silence that helps no one.
Thank you Samantha, an always important topic for community discussion and deeper pondering. I say community because it affects us all very deeply when someone takes their own life. Those numbers you have quoted are extraordinary but really 1 person choosing to suicide is way too may.
I agree. For one person to get to that given up point that they can not see another way – is way too much.
It’s true, we all need to take more care with people, and realise every single time we take a moment to connect we give another person the chance to see there is connection available to them- the feeling of being connected to is so longed for in this world, and hurts deeply for those who chronically live without.
The statistics for male suicides are horrific in NZ as well. Sensitive, caring young men often do not feel that they fit into our society and can be made to feel “different”.Some young men can live with this “difference and go on to be great reflections for others but there are many who struggle and feel to end it all. Many of our systems need to change but also our style of parenting. As a parent we often don’t want our children to be different either and will encourage boys to be tough, play sport, win, not cry etc etc. There are too many ideals and beliefs around children that we are consciously or unconsciously subscribing to.
Doesn’t it show that these conscious and unconscious beliefs that society is constantly placing on us – just aren’t working and are not part of our true nature. They are actually causing a huge tension that has resulted in many taking their own lives from it simply all being too much. We must remember that it is us that make up society and have contributed to this end – however the change and support also starts with us and can make all the difference.