I met ‘Toby’ (name changed) at an Art Exhibition about 10 years ago. I was immediately drawn to his warmth and open-heartedness: he was a caretaker at a disused church that had been turned into an Arts Centre. Toby suffered from a number of physical complaints, as well as mental health disorders, that impacted his life daily.
As I got to know Toby I would often pop in to the centre to see him for a chat, say hello and have a cup of tea with him.
Over the years that I got to know him, I witnessed him have highs and lows and it was here that I really started to notice how little support there is available for people with mental health issues.
I had been travelling for a while and, on my return, wanted to give Toby a card I had been carrying around to give to him. I remember going past where he lived, thinking to pop by and say hello and give him the card, yet was feeling busy that day and left it.
The following day I heard Toby had committed suicide. He was found hanging from the roof in the church.
- “Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1)
- Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. (2)
- Of the total number of suicides registered in 2014 in the UK, 76% were males and 24% were females. (3)
- More than 55,000 suicides occur in the European Union each year, including more than 6,000 in the UK and Ireland. (4)
These statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong. Every one of these men is someone’s friend, brother, son or dad. Beautiful men, like Toby, each have so much to give, and are cutting their lives short though sheer desperation.
Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?
And whilst we commendably see high-profile campaigns on driving safely, and testicular cancer, suicide – the biggest killer of men under 50 – is not discussed and highlighted as it needs to be. What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?
Unfortunately, from personal observation and from having worked in mental health, I can only see these statistics getting worse. Why? Because we are not addressing the root causes; we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves.
We all need to be starting the conversation and asking why are these suicide numbers so high? What can we do about it as a society to ensure people feel heard and then to ensure that there is enough true support? And why does this affect three times more men than women?
Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“
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As a society, and in truth as a worldwide family, we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.
We can no longer leave any stone unturned when it comes to looking at the root causes of these statistics. Just for starters, we need to look at all the systems we have in place – the education system, the legal system, the healthcare system – and look to why there is not a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures. No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.
Many men like Toby have ended their lives too soon, leaving family and friends devastated. To me this highlights the responsibility we all have for our mental well-being, but also the lack of support and connection we have with each other in society. We can no longer keep suicide isolated.
We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?
We are in desperate times and unless we fully acknowledge the problem and no longer distract ourselves away from it, then the number of suicides will increase. Let’s not allow that to happen, by starting to change the way we relate to each other now, and no longer accepting the imposition society imposes on men.
“What do men want most?
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By Samantha, UK
References:
- http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/15/suicide-silence-depressed-men, UK Office for National Statistics, Statistical Bulletin
- http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/
- http://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2014registrations
- https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 555
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 560
| If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:
Australia: United Kingdom: In other countries: |
Further Reading:
Is the Internet the Answer to Loneliness?
Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self
Bullying and suicide in construction – Does building culture need to change?
636 Comments
I have witnessed many men who play ball with the ideals and beliefs of others in order to fit in and not rattle the status quo. The question here is if the status quo is so great why then are we seeing these alarming rates of suicide in all ages?
‘we are not addressing the root causes; we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves.’ it does beg the question of how severe do things have to be before we as a society will take notice and look at truly addressing the causes of the ills in our way of living.
Some time back during a conversation, the subject of sick partners came up and how they can be like a baby, to which I offered, maybe we react to partners/men being a so called baby when they are sick because we aren’t choosing to do the same when we are ill. We just soldier on and put everyone last and then feel resentful. Perhaps they are showing us how we should be when we are not well, as it is much more honouring and self loving, and everyone loves to be cared for and feel that support from others. Afterwards, there was quite a pause, and then someone said, yes, we do need to delegate or let others help when we are not well, that’s true.
These statistics highlight the sobering reality of the struggle faced by a lot of men to ‘fit in’ with society’s ideals and beliefs of how a ‘real man’ should be and the fact they are not being accepted and appreciated for the gorgeous, tender loving men they truly are.
The very fact that we have suicide shows us that something is wrong, something about life is not working. It’s obvious but I’m not sure i really appreciated the power I have, we have. For example say we walk down the street in those moments we can be inspiring others to open up, not protect themselves if we ourselves are open. That’s been my experience both when meeting people who have been open and who are willing to connect its supported me to open up and also when I do the same. It shows that no matter what is going on, if we remain open and willing to connect perhaps we can restore trust in others and put an end to the suicide epidemic.
We cannot say we live in a way that we are connected with one another and yet in truth we are connected. How come we are so far away from living who we truly are. We have our phones, our social media, internet, all forms of connection but it will not work when we are not willing to build a relationship with ourselves and from there with others.
This is a very sobering blog and makes the not wanting to know about things be right there in our faces as a reality. Just because it is not happening to us doesn’t mean we don’t have anything to do with it. So why are men at high statistics on suicide? For me it is a matter of reminding myself that they are not just numbers but men’s lives. A great reminder to connect to the men in my life with the sensitivity that they are.
Suicide has become such a common thing not only from the statistics, but I have known far too many people personally who have taken their own lives. What can we do? We all need to bring more love and acceptance into our lives and accept people for who they are and that no matter what our upbringing was like or where we are from, underneath it all we are all very sensitive.
It is tragic enough that we have so many people die through war and murder, but to have so many people take their lives because they cannot stand being in this world, we do need to stop and look a little closer what we have life allowed to become and bring back the truth that we know and bring true care and compassion back into our lives.
All men want to live the truth of who they are. Control or checking out from life comes from feeling a lack of permission to be themselves. Would men not then fight back and either want to be the best or similarly withdraw and retreat in life? Having to live a facade or protection is a reduction of themselves, even though recognition may come in different forms in life, ultimately true satisfaction and settlement of ourselves come from being ourselves. All men just want to be themselves–that they are tender and not hard and to be allowed the spaciousness to come to this conclusion.
It’s very sad and shocking to read these statistics and to feel the weight of the truth they impart. So much needs to change within society families schools – to support everyone in connecting and expressing so that true self worth can be felt, embraced and lived.
There are 4 men I know who have committed suicide directly and one who drank himself to death, which is probably not part of the statistics. It is an absolute truth that these men had a drug problem. So what is the link between drugs and suicide could it be that we become so empty from taking drugs or maybe we are empty so this is why we start taking drugs? Taking drugs creates a deeper separation and an opening so we get those voices that distract us so much that we can take our own life.
I know there have been times in my life that I’ve “felt” like what is the point in living, yet today I can look back and see that these thoughts were not mine, that in fact I don’t think and with that we have to ask ourselves who and what is making someone suicide and if our thoughts are not ours then where are they coming from? In any case perhaps we have to not try and fix people but support them to heal.
‘“Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1)’ A shocking statistic Samantha. And there has been a rise in teen suicide. It says much about the state of connection we have with each other.
With these statistics we can indeed not say we are evolving as a community, society or humanity. We have to crack the feeling of being ‘fine’ ourselves, so not doing anything about the systems that are lacking of true care and love. This starts with ourselves too because I feel accepting negative thoughts about myself and being hard on myself come from the same seed as the loveless systems. When we start to love ourselves we will naturally ask for love in systems or not give ourselves away to them whilst we have to use them.
Life is deeply intense and the statistics of suicide is shocking. In living the pressure of life, we tend to close down and isolate ourselves exacerbating the problem. This is a much-needed topic of conversation.
A great topic to talk about Samantha – the fact that we hold men as strong and tough and this feeds the momentum when really they are not this underneath. If you look at a baby boy they are no different to a girl – it is only as they grow older and try to fit into the box we’ve created that they change to be ‘strong tough men’ who don’t show their sensitivity.
I had an amazing discussion with a social worker the other day about suicide and call centers – that sometimes there is nothing that they can do, and the effect this can have on those at the end of the phone trying to offer support, knowing that a person they spoke to chose to take their life. The ripple affect of suicide is unmeasurable.
How crazy is it that we have come to accept suicide as a ‘normal’ part of human life. You don’t see sparrows, dogs or lions deciding that life’s not for them, or that the best way forward is for their days to end – so how is it that we find ourselves leaving this way? I feel the key lies in the sensitivity of your friend that you mention Samantha, and how if we don’t honour that life can seem too tough and get twisted in a deeper energetic way. We can start to misunderstand what we feel and start to sense that things are too hard and painful – when the truth is we are incredibly aware and strong.
“You don’t see sparrows, dogs or lions deciding that life’s not for them, or that the best way forward is for their days to end” yes how ridiculous that sounds and yet how sad that we as human beings have accepted it as normal. Accepting things as normal puts the stop onto wanting to make a change, it is very important to not fall for the ‘normal’.
Even considering suicide should be something that we make a thing of the past, I have lost a very close childhood friend to suicide and another told me recently that he had seriously considered it because he didn’t know who he could turn to in that moment. This shows me that in these moments we are not thinking clearly because I know my friend did have people that he could have turned to. Depression is an illness that has to be taken a lot more seriously if we are to bring these statistics down.
Until we stop being self-absorbed with distractions around us that we can truly connect and care about another who might be in need of simply connecting or being heard, it is in the simplicity of our own connection that others find true inspiration and healing of their own.
“Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” This is huge and hard to take in! There is so little awareness of this as a problem. I knew that mental illness is on the rise, but didn’t clock the extent to which people are feeling so lost.
Everyone in this world simply wants to be connected with. It is this lack of connection that is making people feel so alone, isolated and unloved. The more we connect with ourselves the easier it is to connect with another.
We need to be aware of just how early on in life this problem starts, it’s not with men but when they are still boys at an early age that they are first rejected for being themselves.
Michael, this is an important point – every boy and girl need to be celebrated for who they truly are and not be rejected for not fitting into the box of expectations and demands.
The fact that there is very little support for people with mental health issues is a reality, and what’s more, is that with out the support these conditions are going deeper in to the body and so now chronic pain and mental health issues are becoming very intertwined as the multi-symptomatic man becomes increasingly more complicated.
Samantha, this is a great article, from what I observe what you are sharing is so true, ‘Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?’ I see this with boys in schools, how they are so naturally sweet and sensitive and that with peer pressure and expectations from parents and teachers and the media, that boys think they should not be themselves – sweet, innocent and sensitive and so they start to cover up, deny and change their natural ways, and a hardness and protection is put on, it doesn’t take much when they are young to uncover this and the sweetness is there to feel, it is crazy and very sad that this happens to boys, that there is not an encouragement in society and accepting of boys and men for being themselves.
It seems that both genders have lost the way in a world set up to be competitive and aggressive. In our efforts to protect ourselves we have hardened and withdrawn from our own natural openness and sensitivity contributing to a raising level of disconnection from each other that negates our natural interdependence.
Samantha, these statistics highlight a society that is definitely on the wrong track and this blog brings home the fact that we each have a responsibility to reflect to others, firstly a connection with ourselves, and a willingness to openly connect with others. If we walk around reflecting our own delicate tenderness it gives others permission to be like this and it supports people to drop their protection and open up to connecting with others. We all long for this and yet we walk around caged in our little isolated world comparing ourselves to others and usually thinking we are less and even if we think we are more, it still breeds the same energy. People like Toby withdraw from life because they have not been fully met for who they truly are and if we were to accept and allow the deep sensitivity that boys have they may not have the same need to protect themselves and then suffer underneath the façade the are forced to present to the world.
The imposition placed upon us from very early in life impacts the life we choose to live as these choices often come from the ideals, beliefs and picture we have grownup with. The common burden of being tough, playing competitive sport, not showing how you feel or expressing it, have all repeatedly filtered through most systems in the world e.g. education, medical, health, career choices etc. It is time that we as women claimed our fragility and preciousness and in this invite and encourage our boys, husbands, sons and brothers to do the same. There is a glaring imbalance in the sex’s and the time has come to do away with the roles and expectations and to start living from the deep tenderness we equally hold in our hearts.
You are so right Samantha the number of suicides will only increase if this problem is not addressed and blown wide open so we all are aware of what is going on. How many of these deaths could have been avoided if these people had someone to turn to or a place to go and discuss what is going for them.
Watching a programme recently about two teenagers who committed suicide both whom were not depressed and showing no signs that they were being cyber bullied. It’s really important that we start to truly connect with ourselves and each other.
That is a strong call for action, Samantha. Great and very much needed. Yes, we have to address the ideals and believes society imposes on men, which makes them to give up on life easier than women. Just as important, as society does not change overnight, is to reach out to our fellow brothers and sisters, and just connect. A couple of years ago, I was in a pretty bad mental state as well. Two friends then came to visit me – without me asking for help ‘because I was not doing that bad” – and supported me by offering me a big wake up call on the way I was living. That is something we all should do more: feel into where people are at and offer the support that is needed and not wait till somebody asks for support. Especially men will go further in pretending that they are alright and thinking they have to work on their issues on their own.
I talk to a lot of men about the impositions they feel from society and it is interesting to observe how their bodies cope with the conversation. Some squirm and want to change the conversation and others are so relieved someone has said what they feel but don’t feel they can say. When the statistics keep rising, we have to work out why, we have to open cupboard doors that we might have walked past, we have to look where we haven’t looked, and we have to be prepared to know that we are the ones who will be and live the change we want to see in the world. It comes down to us choosing to love and care for each other so much that we choose a different way.
Most of us are too caught up in our own lives to notice if someone is in trouble, other things in life like keeping up with the Jones seem to take priority over looking out for those who may be struggling. As a society we do need to listen to what is going on and cut the images that are so rooted in us as men and learn that we need to express how we feel because suicide is not the answer, especially for those friends and loved ones that are left wondering why?
It is a tragedy each and every person that suicides. It makes me think how important living openly and connecting with people is, as this makes a difference more than we can see.
As women, I feel we have a big role to play in supporting men to rediscover and feel safe to express their sensitivity. If our boys are still growing up under this oppressive influence, we are not supporting our sons to maintain their sensitivity or supporting our partners to rediscover theirs, so they can be great role models to our boys. We are standing back as we watch our boys being shown what it is to be a man, (e.g.. to not cry, to not show their feelings) and not speaking up that that is not the truth.
We are good at trying out solutions to things in society, that appear to have an easy fix. We tend to avoid those issues that are systemic, that require us to fundamentally change, like the way we raise our boys to shut down their feelings and act like a ‘man’. This is something we have all contributed to and possibly we don’t want to acknowledge this
Absolutely powerful, thank you Samantha for being there, with open eyes and see what is happening and opening up the floor for humanity to see what is going on, and how we can change it. Stop living in this isolated bubble, putting all the horrors and accidents and incidents, suicides outside of ourselves. Time to truly heal, face and feel what is going on, as we can not let them continue as they are our obvious speakers (people who suicide) who show us that the systems do not work, we absolute crave connection – AND WE NEED A DIFFERENT WAY to stop it. As we can see , if we continue in the same current way, the numbers will only INCREASE. That is not fair at all, as we can change it.
we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves. This is so true Samantha and if we don’t change this, the statistics will sadly grow. Men are naturally tender, caring and sensitive, and we need to start supporting them to be this and express themselves more by inviting them to share how they are feeling and what is going on for them, as part of an everyday practice within families or at or workplaces.
I am stunned when I stop and feel not only that 1 person but 55,000 people commit suicide each year in the EU alone. That affects at least 55 million people but how is it possible that as a society we have life setup so that people feel the only way out for them is to suicide? Instead of worrying about which “celebrity” is having a baby or getting botox this issue among other critical issues should be being debated and in our everyday awareness.
I was recently witness to the devastation of a family who had had to deal with the suicide of a family member, and it made me wonder if a person was able somehow to truly consider the mess that they would leave behind, and the affect they would have on others, if they would still have gone through with it. Obviously, in that moment, someone feels so isolated and devoid of connection that such thoughts do not pass through their mind.
We also need to look at how we are as women – we have a big part to play in this – have we walked so far away from ourselves to join men in their hard and false exterior confirming this is okay? Instead of staying solid and steady and say no, come back to sacredness.
It’s a very important topic to start talking about, suicide. I mean I see a lot of talking and a lot of support but it doesn’t seem to be changing anything. I read this morning the horrific abuse of a young person who then suicided and it had all the hallmarks of a classic suicide tale. Not to diminish from individual people suicides or to be disrespectful for what goes on but just to show we have a majority of these stories following similar lines, in that there are people who aren’t coping with how the world is to the point that they remove themselves from the world. We have more support networks and more conversations about suicide then ever before and yet the numbers keep increasing, how can that be? How are we looking at suicide and how are we truly treating all those involved. There is obviously something amiss with how we are when people are removing themselves from the world in this way and equally the way we support and treat them is still also missing the mark.
Out of all the things that can take a man’s life prematurely suicide should be the easiest to sort out. Support and understanding and a place where we can go that supports sensitivity, gentleness and a tender way of being. It is so sad that these men feel that there is no where else to turn. It just shows the unnecessary pressure that is on us to be a certain way and just not be.
“What do men want most? All men want to be loved for who they truly are.” Serge Benhayon. Who else is out there saying this? I don’t see anyone and at this point men are at the sickest they have ever been, we are the sickest we have ever been. You would think from seeing or producing the statistics that are available these days like the ones listed here we would be going all out to see what’s going on. At this point it wouldn’t seem so and so most of this wisdom is left on the shelf. It’s a shame we are still seeing the world as being flat when it’s clearly not. This is no different, the answers we need are right in front of our eyes but we don’t want to see them. For men and for all of us we would give ourselves a huge blessing by accepting the possibly at least of these words above.
More and more I am coming to see and appreciate the delicate nature of men. It is truly beautiful when a man is able to show this.
That’s a great turn of phrase ’empty systems’ as they are are decidedly broken and lacking in all areas. It is something we as a community need to address urgently as so many are being deeply hurt by these systems.
This inspires me to never undervalue the importance of every interaction and what I can bring to them. Super important to appreciate and feel the beauty of these connections. How often do we not always feel how much we actually mean to another and how much another values such a connection?
I know I feel completely crushed when expected to play the role as a man (stereotypically speaking).
It goes against my nature that is naturally very warm and tender towards everyone. And when I interact with men I know they yearn to express in such a way also.
This is a powerful blog Samantha, highlighting just how desperate some people become, and where are we at as a society when even just one suicide does not have us up in arms asking what is going on. It’s so easy to continue in our comfortable lives, seemingly untouched by such events. Opening up to what’s really going on and the extent of it, judging by those statistics, is very needed. Thanks for making a start.
There is so much that goes on in people’s lives that we just don’t understand or know about. How we are living is a result of how much suicide there is, how we are in our communities these days, how we live as individuals, there is so much that is not supported, but then again we are not supporting ourselves either. There is so much more that has to change.
We do need to look at the reality of the way we are living, and yes I agree we need to talk about what’s going on. We tend to pay lip service to the horrors of suicide, but until it affects us personally (as with most things) we don’t take any action. I am glad there are organisations that are making the public more aware of this devastating issue.
I know we can look at mental illness as obviously leading to suicide. But before that, as a society, we need to look at connection, and the sense of disconnection that exists in society. And when you look at it, the more disconnected people are from tenderness, from love, it would appear the higher the rates of suicide are. Thus why they are higher for men, for farmers, for construction workers, for miners, for example. For in these industries there is often a sense of disconnection from one’s true essence in one way or another. Or to put it another way, in these industries, people tend to be less open, and by being less open, they are unlikely to develop a healthy relationship with their own emotional state of being.
You mention being in ‘desperate times’ Samantha. Until we understand and feel the presence and offerings of love like you showed to Toby, we will continue to self destruct! Getting ‘out there’ and engaging with people is the key to reflecting ‘another way’, one that Serge Benhayon ceaselessly shares with anyone who feels the ever present invitation and pull of love and chooses to make it a deliberate way of life.
I read a staggering statistic on suicide in Australia recently, it costs the economy nearly $18billion and there are more deaths from suicide than road traffic accidents and cancer combined. Staggering and shows that although things can look ok on the surface, we really need to start accepting there is a problem and look at the way we treat each other in society, and start to live life with a huge heap more compassion, care and understanding for one another.
Suicide, be it just one person or the current statistics of hundreds of thousands, is totally unacceptable and something we all as a society need to come together to tackle the problem and risk factors that cause someone to feel that taking their life is a viable option.
So much pressure and expectations that are applied to men and women to be other than just as they are, tender, precious and love.
That’s a big stop Samantha – 800,000 people a year choosing to end their own lives and like you say.. where is the awareness of that? So much effort is poured into battling other causes of death, yet it feels like we are ashamed of this one and so keep it quiet and try and sweep it under the table. Meanwhile another year passes and this time its 810,000 more people living in what they feel is an unbearable tension without the necessary support.
This blog reminds me that we can frequently choose to ignore what we notice or read about what is going on around us, especially when we feel the tension of another’s isolation and unhappiness.
Suicide is not simply restricted to one place or type of people – every country, every age range all over the world suffers from suicide. Only together can we deal with this issue
Yes, together is where it’s at, to teach and live in brotherhood will go a long way to heal these hurts that feel as if they come from our sense of separation rather than togetherness…
I was in New Zealand recently and the male suicide rates there are really worryingly high, I wondered how anyone could get so low in such a beautiful country, but it just goes to show it doesn’t matter where we are; if we are unable to express ourselves fully and are not able to live who we truly are, it doesn’t matter where we are.
The statistics don’t lie and show me how I/we close our eyes and do not want to see the disconnection we as a society do live in. Like you say Samantha; ‘No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.’
This is a very needed topic of discussion and self-reflection as it is with each one of us that we can begin to break through the impositions we place on young boys today by expressing what is not of truth and a mere ideal and impositions on the innately tender nature of all men.
As you have pointed out Samantha, suicide is a devastating consequence of the way some men cope with life in our modern society; the facts are chilling. It certainly is time for us to look at what is truely going on, individually and collectively.
We must stop and address the fact that you are more likely to harm yourself than someone else is to harm you in current society.
Samantha the statistics are astounding and we see every day men denying their feelings because they think they have to be tough, this has only ever lead to self abuse and ill mental health. What can we do about it? Well lots actually, for starters we can bust this false stereotype that to be a man is to show no feeling. Then we can foster the natural tender caring and loving way innate to all of us. When we see someone struggling with life we can talk to them, look in their eyes and really meet them, knowing there is immense love beyond the hurt.
Suicide is essentially a call for help – only with those who do end up committing suicide it is about giving up deeply on life and themselves and in the process they affect everyone around them. Many suicides are really just attempts at taking a life, and so this is a dramatic call for help, but even in such cases, if a person has given up on themselves then there is only so much anyone else can do to help them see this otherwise. The only way we can offer true inspiration to another who is given up, is by committing deeply to life ourselves and showing that indeed it can be done, and not only can it be done, but it can be done with love, with light, with joy and with enormous liberation from what we know to be an incarcerating way of being. It is all about energy after all, so the more we commit and live our lives with more joy and vitality, the less we feed the states that then lead to suicide, depression and giving up on life. Hence it is a global responsibility at all times.
It’s a tough, unyielding world out there for men and the pressure is on to conform to the ideals, the images, the beliefs. Male suicide rates just confirm how skewed these ideals and pictures are and suggest that there is another way for men to express in the world that allows them to show vulnerability, delicateness and tenderness. Even these three words will make some men shudder at the prospect of outing such characteristics – but they are innate, natural and need their own form of expression. I love what you say about our institutions from education to medicine being overdue ‘a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures’. It would seem we have weighted our stereotypes too far in one direction – and the impact on lives is paying the price.
We have a tendency to focus on the extreme stories in life. Not that there is anything wrong with this per say – we should open our eyes to the extreme rot at the edges of humanity that point to us that something is extremely wrong. However, what we tend to do is use such extremes to desensitise ourselves to life. And as such, rarely do we allow ourselves to backtrack our understanding of what eventually leads to something like suicide, and so we never allow ourselves to get to the simplicity of the root cause of all things. A tree was not always a tree, and once upon a time it was a mere seedling. Now, if you plant a great Oak tree as a seedling in your back yard, you will not consider that it will cause any problems, and over the years it will slowly grow and grow, as will its roots. Suddenly one day you will have blocked drain pipes caused by the roots of the tree, and you will then say that you have a problem. And of course the problem is then seemingly in-surmountingly huge. The problem of suicide in many ways is similar. Looked at on its own, it is a seemingly insurmountable problem, and one of great complexity. Yet, reduce it right back to its core, and essentially it becomes an issue of disconnection. Now, that on its own is not going to assist someone contemplating suicide, I agree, and so we need very much counsellors, psychologists, etc, to assist someone in that predicament. But because we are not in that predicament ourselves does not mean we should not use the opportunity to ponder deeply on the initial cause of such extreme behaviour, for if we did we would start to realise how we all in our own way contribute to many of the extreme problems in the world we so detest.
Bravo Adam, there is definitely a bigger picture here for us to look into with raw honesty, even if it means we “realise how we all in our own way contribute to many of the extreme problems in the world we so detest.” We will never be rid of these things unless we go there with honesty and responsibility.
Thank you, Samantha. What I am allowing myself to feel more in revisiting this blog is the uncomfortable truth that even one suicide in our community means that we are collectively failing. We need to open our eyes to what is truly going on for one another.
The stats shared here on men and suicide is horrific. Today I was in a shop and a few ballads were playing sung by men. In these songs they talked about being sensitive and loving women and being tender. And it made me realise just how confused we all are. We have this expectation of men, through love songs to be emotional and tender and committed, and yet we want the same man to be tough and muscly and powerful. Its like we have a huge list of ideals placed on men when they are none of these. So it goes to show there needs to be a real shift in expectations so we can bring it back to supporting each other with love.
The rising number of suicides taking place are showing us that something is wrong with life as it stands, something is not working. What we all crave is to be loved for who we truly are, women and, All men want to be loved for who they truly are.
‘Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?’ This question is so apt. I am often reminded of this blog with some people who I know to be having a difficult time and me not delaying in getting in touch or following up on how they are. It doesn’t take much of my time and I’m not there to save the day just offer a connection. I know for me if I’m on a downer just a simple smile, from a stranger even, has made my day because I’m reconnected to the fact that we are all love.
Well said, Karin. If we feel to connect with someone it is important to follow through on this, as we may not consciously realise how significant the gesture might be for them.
Great food for thought Janet, to follow through on our connections feels so important when put so clearly as you have said here. Often we may have a fleeting connection with someone and don’t think about it again yet for the other it may have just made the difference between one choice and another…
As you say Samantha the figures for suicide in men is particularly high, so in some vital area we are letting men down! We haven’t listened to their needs and they are not articulating them either. Just by opening the conversation here is a great start. There is a great need for us to see the delicateness and sensitivity in males and make that acceptable, starting with our small sons!
The rates of suicide in western society in particular should give us call to stop and consider how we live our lives. But they don’t, and so we seem to accept them as being just part of the way life is.
Gosh Samantha, these statistics are harrowing. And yet here you are, standing up and taking notice, starting the conversation with no fear of what it will bring up because you seem to just know that it needs to be talked about. Which it does, and you have brought this very sad subject out in to the light in such a way that makes me want to explore and to take notice more. You are an inspiration for genuine care.
Samantha, what a beautiful article. We need blogs like these, leading us out of this comfort zone where we think because it doesn’t effect us, it’s not really a problem.
“We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be…” This is true Samantha. Why is it we are so uncomfortable in doing this, when we all feel the effects of the lovelessness and empty systems?
It can be hard to look at a rough edged man, a big burly guy and believe they have a sensitive side, yet time and time again if we make the time to get to know one another then we can see below the layers of protection, the mask that men wear to pretend they are indestructible warriors and we can deeply understand that they are all sensitive beings, even those who act boorishly or bullishly. This all relates to our ability to feel and discern what is really occurring in our societies, how hurt and lost many men feel, the suicide rates don’t lie and are a huge wake up call for us to address what is going on. All it takes is a willingness to relate and to understand one another, and perhaps as men to show our own fragility to allow other men to feel safe to show theirs.
The amount of people who are choosing to suicide nowadays is staggering. Surely we have to stop and ask ourselves what is going on. What is the rot in society that is causing this?. Nothing will change until we look at how we are choosing to live and get deeply honest about the fact that the way we are living is not working.
When the question of how many men have committed suicide in the time this article was read, is really felt. We do have to acknowledge we have got things very wrong and that men have to be encouraged and supported to express from their sensitivity and tenderness.
Sometimes we talk about suicide and say ‘well men need more people to talk to’. And whilst this is true on a certain level, what I have found is that we need to be supported to see that the surface of emotions, hurts and pains is just a false masquerade, and that underneath these things we all struggle with is an accute sensitivity no one until now has dreamed of. Just beacuase it is so far from the bullish blokey image we put out does not mean it is not real and causing us all plenty of difficult inside. Thank you Samantha for opening up your experience and taking the discussion to this deeper level.
Hearing the news of a suicide always comes as a shock…suicide is in itself a statement, a statement that is very confronting for us all to have to sit with – the truth is that there is too much isolation and distancing in our society despite the fact that so many of us live in such close proximity. The distance is the lack of connection with ourselves and those around us. Any suicide is there to remind us of the fact that we need to work on our connections and expression of what is happening on a daily basis. A life lost is a harsh reminder that we as a society are floundering to keep connections. Life is worth too much to allow this, we are all worth so much more!
It is a disturbing reality mentioned here that people withdraw before they suicide. How infrequently must we be looking in each other’s eyes and truly making contact with one another to be in a situation that it takes us by suprise when someone completely withdraws and suicides? And how infrequently are we truly acknowledging and appreciating one another’s essence so that none of us even get to that state?
As I was reading your blog again Samantha, I was wondering why the rates of suicide are so much higher for men. Perhaps there is less acceptance for men to be open, to talk about what is going on in their lives, they are often asked to harden up, tough it up and just swallow whatever may be going on for them and keep moving. Is it possible that we are not supporting men in our society to truly open up, to share about their feelings, their vulnerability and their sensitivity, from what you’ve shared, I would say that this is the case. As a society we are rejecting men for being who they are.
I love the quote by Serge as I remember as a child all that I ever wanted was to be seen for who I was instead of always having to be something and achieve something to be seen.
Truly connecting with someone, as simple and mundane as it might appear, can bring about a complete transformation in someone. We can never underestimate the power of connection and the ripple affect this is having.
At times it may feel easier to shut down and ignore some of the horrifying levels of despair and mental illness that is occurring today and yet the longer we delay in really acknowledging the level of separation and disconnection in community the worse it will become.
“More than 55,000 suicides occur in the European Union each year” Samantha when I hear figures I often glaze over, yet I am quite stunned by the incredible number of suicides. We really need to look and ask, Why is this happening and what is wrong with our society to allow this to occur. Even 1 suicide shows we have a serious problem.
This is a profound and powerful blog. Thank you. I have relationships with men, husbands, sons, family,friends etc and as a woman I want to meet with gentleness, care and support. Why do we as mothers and in society attack our boy children for feeling pain and saying it, having feelings, feeling hurt, being aware of beauty.. etc, why are we encouraging our boys to be hard, tough, and not show hurt….I want a real relationship with the men in my life, where they tell me how they feel. This is the root of it, how we parent our sons, will they feel accepted for who they are…..We do not honour and support men for who they, or rather we offer them a 1 dimensional way of being, a prison of identity and expression. Men and women equally, feel, love and care and we are all born gentle and divine.
I was at a conference on Monday where they were saying there is more funding then ever for Mental Health and championing this. Interesting that this is the case but the suicide rates are on the rise. More money being poured into this area does not necessarily mean the issue is being dealt with in a way that is actually going to make a difference. It is like breast cancer loads of money goes to this very specific cancer and yet breast cancer is on the rise.
Men are naturally gentle, sweet, feeling and tender and it is here that their true power lies, not in the facade of tough and coping. For every man that feels they cannot cope in a world that does not acknowledge, let alone honour, their natural, beautiful sensitivity, the loss is all of ours and we have let us all down.
So many men grow up without a true understanding or relationship with their own sensitivity and so do not know how to reflect this to their sons or other boys or young men. The beauty is that it only take them to be offered this and for them to experience this connection for them to know that they have a choice.
There’s nothing more amazing than a gentle and tender man. Somebody who is truly nurturing and caring. However, in order to have more of these men, we as a society need to allow them to be that.
I was shocked to hear that the highest rate of age specific suicide in Australia last year, and the previous four years, was for Men over 85. I am part of a community initiative helping those who are no longer able to drive to attend medical appointments, or do their shopping etc. The real purpose being to simply connect, to spend some time together and enjoy each others company. It is all to easy to ‘let things go’ as we get older and that is the start of the decline we allow ourselves to become more and more isolated – this can happen at any age. It’s incredibly powerful when we choose to show that we care for each other, even in the simplest of ways.
‘To me this highlights the responsibility we all have for our mental well-being, but also the lack of support and connection we have with each other in society’ – thank you for highlighting this very important truth, Samantha.
The root cause of all illness and disease is separation. Separation to our true selves, the divine spark that lives eternally within. Ironically, this spark can never die, even when our physical form ceases to exist. Nor can it be snuffed out by lack of oxygen, although it can be somewhat stifled momentarily due to the fact that we breathe a breath that is not truly ours. In order to heal this separation we need to address it first within ourselves. When this flame is ignited in full and lighting our every breath we are then in a far better position to be of service to others in helping rekindle that which gives us the true breath of life and thus the warmth of our deep connection with All.
We need to take more responsibility for our day to day choices so it doesn’t get to a point where we are so lost that we suicide
Sadly there are too many “Tobys” in the world who are burying the tenderness that they naturally are and in turn hardening themselves to survive in a world that expects them to be this way. When men bury their innate tenderness and sensitivity they also bury their true expression so when life becomes too hard to deal with they are often unable to clearly share how they are feeling. If they do manage to do so those who are listening often have no idea how to help them in a way that they feel listened to and supported. It is time for society as a whole to begin this urgent conversation so no more “Tobys” get to the point when suicide seems to be the only option.
What kind of world have we created where people want to suicide? Surely the statistics are indicating that how we are living is not supportive of our being and that this is having disastrous consequences. What is the point of putting man on the moon if we cannot simply connect with each other on Planet Earth?
These are shocking statistics Samantha, and when you consider that there are millions more suicide attempts each year on top of what you’ve already mentioned we can’t but ask the question, ‘WHY?’ There is no other species on the planet that takes their own life to anywhere near this degree, and each of these cases really questions our claim to be a ‘superiorly intelligent’ race.