I hear so much about “boys will be boys”, but what does that really mean? Are we just giving them a wide scope to be able to get away with behaviour we deem unacceptable for girls or young women, or is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?
And so instead, are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?
Whatever the reason, I feel this “boys will be boys” label needs to be addressed and boys need to be seen for who they truly are, and as women we know exactly how that is – and men, so do you, because we can all feel it.
We do not need to be told how boys or men should be, that they are different to girls or women, that they are tough, hard and strong, and to be completely honest, it is not ok that we as a society continue to instil these ideals, beliefs and impositions onto them, because I know from personal experience that men are extremely gentle, tender and loving and love nothing more than to be held by another and met for who they truly are.
Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours. They are naturally gentle, tender and sensitive and if you observe them, how they are as young boys, it is not until they begin to head into their pre-school years that their gentleness begins to be replaced by a hardness, a shutting down so to speak, of their natural expression, as if they think they have a particular image they have to live up to – that they should be playing with trucks and cars and not dolls, or heaven forbid, wear a dress in public or want to have their nails painted.
I know a lot of fathers cringe at the very idea of their son wearing a dress or wanting to learn ballet – some because they are afraid of their son being teased by other boys, or because the fathers are worried about what other people will think of them; that if their son does girly things or behaves ‘girly,’ it is a direct reflection of how they are in their own masculinity. This, for some, is a huge challenge.
We have two sons, one aged 3 and one aged 20 months, both of whom are extremely different in their expression. Our oldest loves to wear dresses, have his nails painted, tie his hair up, play with dolls and play ballet. His favourite colour is indigo and he absolutely adores being held and is extremely affectionate and quiet in his mannerisms. He is loving, gentle, tender, affectionate, caring, vulnerable and fragile, no less so than our 8 year old daughter, who, mind you, has a favourite colour of blue.
Our youngest son has the same qualities as his brother. He is loving, caring, nurturing, tender and gentle. His way of expressing this is, however, very different. He has from the very beginning loved trucks and cars, preferring to play with hammers, work tools and he is more vocal in his expression, but this does not make him harder than his brother because he too loves to be held and to hold another.
Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same, the same as their father, who has over the years dropped the guards and protections he built up over his childhood to now live the absolutely beautiful tender gentle man he is today, forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.
Seeing the love our boys are, how they live and hold us in this, for me reflects how I am with myself, and I can see how, as my partner deepens and develops his love for himself, it exposes where I am not loving with myself. At times this can be challenging, because there is a level of comfort many of us do not want to let go of. And if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.
I know that without the ongoing love and support from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I would not be able to support or nurture our boys to love in and from the absolute beauty they are, to see how each one needs to be supported differently to allow their natural expression to shine through.
I am constantly blessed by how gentle, tender and loving they are, and I can see how hard it has been for my husband to break down the barriers of protection he has built up around him over the years to hide his own gentleness and tenderness. It has been a long road for him, one that is not yet over and, like so many of us, we are only just beginning to understand what it is to truly live who we are naturally, without the impositions of society.
For many boys, the pressures, ideals and beliefs of how they should be become too much, so they succumb to how they think they should be. Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious: the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.
So why do we as a society continue to push and shove men into these boxes? Why do we paint a picture for them to live up to that is so far removed from who they naturally are? Why is it so important that they remain in and live from that hardness, instead of the natural gentleness and tenderness they are?
Both of our sons are encouraged and supported to express and live the gentleness, tenderness and vulnerability they are. They are supported and encouraged to live the men they naturally are, to not lose themselves and live up to the ideals and beliefs society has for so long pushed upon them.
They are allowed to, and encouraged to cry, and we stop and listen to what they have to say and what they are feeling – they are treated no different to our daughter, and no less.
I have been blessed to grow up with many boys in my life, both close to me and from afar, and they have been absolutely beautiful both inside and out… caring, loving and always there to support you when needed. However, even with this, over time they too have fallen into the trap of how you should act to be a man, and I know these boys have grown into men with the hurts of not truly being able to express what they are feeling without being labelled as a “wuss” or “ponce” or worse. But never have they lost that inner quality, for when you meet them from your own gentleness, you see that sparkle come back to life.
Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.
Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve, and let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from those closest to us, or humanity.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Nicole Serafin, 44 yrs, Woman, wife, Mother, Hairdresser, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
It’s a boy! What is true gender equality?
Men – are we set up to fail?
Men and expression – echoes from behind the wall
688 Comments
In our essence we are all gentle, tender vulnerable, sensitive, loving, play-full, sacred with a fragility and divine connection to our Soul that shines the light on this way of being so that the reflection that comes from our Livingness is felt by everyone.
The natural tenderness and loving sensitivity of boys is always there waiting for a man to reflect to them that this who they are as they grow up.
I personally hate the way that we treat our children; I hate the fact that we bludgeon them when they are young so that their innate tenderness and sensitivity is crushed. And so is it any wonder they then grow up hard, abusive and shut down to life?
When you come across a tender man or a boy who similarly has not been imposed on the it becomes obvious how amazingly simple our life can be when we take away all the imposition that so called normal life has placed upon us.
Children can reflect back to us a different way to be as they are extremely tender and delicate and this is as natural to them as breathing. What I absolutely hate is how we somehow through our speech and actions smash this so that they grow up in some cases completely devoid of that tenderness and delicateness. Why do we insist on bludgeoning our children in this way generation after generation? When will we stop to consider that we are actually making the mess we all say we don’t want to live in?
There is nothing more powerful than a man who is not afraid to be delicate, gentle and vulnerable.
Watching boys growing up, when simply letting their feelings be known is amazing, because when they are not put upon by the usual tuff up scenario we were all faced with as you boys that was in my generational years, they learn to be their natural self with the innate tenderness as you have shared Nicole.
I love how you observe your children, you allow your great insight to guide you. Children are so different, at day dot they have already come with their traits, their special way of looking at the world. Saying one box fits all never works.
I absolutely love hearing when young men are encouraged and supported to express to live the gentleness, tenderness and vulnerability. Raising men like this we raise true Kings.
‘I know a lot of fathers cringe at the very idea of their son wearing a dress or wanting to learn ballet’. When my son was younger he used to really like wearing his sister’s colourful dresses. He loved the colours and how wearing a dress made him feel. Occasionally he wanted to go out wearing one.. I never objected. As he has grown, the propensity for this has fallen away but as he has grown he is more at ease with himself and his sensitivity than most boys of his age (11). He has never felt rejected because of his sensitivity and he is much more able to say no and not follow the crowd to fit in to be liked. When we tell boys they can’t do something because it is not fitting for boys to do so they learn to reject themselves and can get into a whole heap of behaviours to compensate for the fact.
My grandson wears his sisters tutus and not just at home. He is a very sensitive child, as are all children. It will be interesting to visit again this half term, now he has started school, and to feel if there is a change in him, still allowing that sensitivity and delicacy through.
Michelle what you have shared here is Gold
‘When we tell boys they can’t do something because it is not fitting for boys to do so they learn to reject themselves and can get into a whole heap of behaviours to compensate for the fact.’
Michelle McWaters there is something in the way that you have said
“When we tell boys they can’t do something because it is not fitting for boys to do so they learn to reject themselves and can get into a whole heap of behaviours to compensate for the fact.”
Because we can see this playing out in the society we live in, when we reject ourselves whether it’s a boy or a girl it brings misery for the rest of our lives because we are in the rejection of the most powerful presence that is part of who we are.
We complain about men being insensitive and rough yet this is exactly the way we have brought them up to be.
Any stereo types we put on anything or anyone will ultimately not serve us to evolve.
I suspect this is true for many people, time for self reflection, ‘is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?’
“forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.” What an inspirational role model for any child, boy or girl, so that they may grow up with the confidence to know that that it is more than ok to continually deepen thier own love for themselves, regardless of what anyone may think or tell them.
How amazing would that be if we could raise children to continually deepen their own love for themselves, regardless of what anyone may think or tell them other wise. To continuously affirm them to feel the love that surrounds them. Then they would not grow up in fear or rejection.
I absolutely agree that the saying “boys will be boys” label needs to be addressed and boys need to be seen for who they truly are,” For too long our beautiful boys have not been able to remain the tender and sensitive beings that they naturally are as they are encouraged to harden up to live in this world. There is something definitely ‘off’ in this world if we think it is normal for a boy to bury all these innate qualities to live in a way that is in total opposite to who he truly is. No wonder men have so many issues in dealing with life.
Yes we seem to want to put all these pictures onto what a boy or man is and what a girl or woman is. From the colors they should like to how they should dress and how they should be and act. Even though nothing of these outer pictures do define who we truly are.
It’s refreshing to read how a father can reflect to his children that it is ok for them to express themselves how they want to and not impose ideas onto the children out of fear of what others may think.
“forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.” This is the missing ingredient in the lives of many boys who respond so naturally when they have a role model that openly lives with tenderness and sensitivity.
The saying “boys will be boys” has always seemed to me to be an acceptance of behaviours we, if we are totally honest with ourselves, don’t like, as they are considered to be normal. But by accepting this so-called normal are we perpetuating behaviour that is actually harming our young boys, our future men, instead of educating them in a more caring and loving way of being, both to themselves and to others? This is one saying that needs to be deleted from our vocabulary, and fast.
We indeed do play a part in allowing men to express their innate tenderness and care for us, by living our own innate sacredness.
This part about a father’s masculinity being rejected or confirmed by his son’s choices is a very interesting subject and perhaps reveals much of how we have created a society that promotes the shut-down of men’s sensitivities, generation after generation, with many young men beginning to feel quite lost if their expression does not fit in with the expected conditions that have been laid out for them to adhere to.
A great article Nicole, as a mother of four boys, I am reminded of how I lived as a woman and Mother then, where the reflection was to just get through the day do whatever was needed with no care for your own needs, Now as a grandmother I get to provide another reflection as I embrace my own tenderness and fragility. Within each one of my sons I now see a depth of sensitivity, tenderness slowly emerging.
“Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve” Yes please forget the superstars the movie stars and footballers – true role models are the men who allow themselves to be seen for who they really are without fluff – real tender sensitive guys – this is what the world craves.
It is true, men are naturally teddy bears, but society has shaped them to be anything but, and made the tenderness retreat and become a hidden part of themselves. Tenderness has become something that should not be shared or valued openly. The world and the population that inhabits it would heal enormously if tenderness in men were brought to the forefront and appreciated.
It is very hard for boys to stay themselves as tender beautiful boys as already wearing pink makes many around react with laughing joking and easily you are put out of a group.
Great if parents like you share Nicole support them in their foundation at home to stay solid in their tenderness.
It seems to me that society definitely imposes these roles and beliefs about boys needing to be tough, hardened, and protected in order to not allow the beautiful reflection of tenderness to naturally emanate from boys (and men) which would then make it obvious how women and men are not living with that same level of care, tenderness, and gentleness. In essence, it’s a great way to avoid the responsibility we all have to express in this way that comes so easily to young boys.
“men are extremely gentle, tender and loving and love nothing more than to be held by another and met for who they truly are.” When it is expressed like this it becomes clear that we are all the same.
We are, I remember one of my boys wanting me to continually very tenderly stroke his arm or hand, and if I stopped, then I was prompted to carry on, and this was well into double figures.
Men do love to hug and cuddle and be tender in ways that aren’t driven by a sexual desire. It’s taken me a while to understand this but it is true but in my experience challenging for men and women to be content just holding one another without anything else being expected (from self or from the other). I still find it challenging to just sit and be lovely but it’s a learning to accept process.
The pictures we work so hard to live up to when raising our boys means we leave less room for them to simply be themselves.
‘Boys will be boys’ is a very dismissive statement about men and their gentle nature; it is condescending, appears all-knowing (but is not) and has an air of given upness as well, of shrugging one’s shoulders in dismay.