I have often avoided the thought of dying. There are so many beliefs of how one should approach the subject. I had always seen death and dying to be full of doom, gloom and drama, which is perhaps why I had previously avoided being around anybody who was close to dying.
The experience I had recently with my dear friend who was terminally ill and dying, was quite revolutionary for me. I was part of a group of people who all came together to support and help a friend during her last year of life. What was amazing was to listen to each person’s experience; how deeply touched they were with being able to know this woman and to be with her in the final stage of her life.
It was beautiful to be in the presence of this woman, who was very ill, but who was not fighting it, who was not holding onto life or in denial of what was happening to her body.
Up until her last breath she was supported and had full awareness of what was going on around her. She was able to stay at home and she never lost her dignity or ability to choose what was right for her. When she passed over she was not alone and had the company and support of friends. For her, there was no fear of death or dying and no giving up either – it was just an acceptance and surrender to the process and the cycle of life and death.
As a group of friends who shared this experience – before and after – we discussed death and dying and why this subject is often not spoken about. It’s as if we are afraid to upset another or offend.
We talked about coffins, we discussed the cultural beliefs and how we had not really known another way. I don’t think there really is a right or wrong way, but I do think that possibly we have never really stopped to consider what feels true for us, rather than what is socially accepted.
The other thing that just made me smile and even look forward to my dying day was that she chose to pass away at home. Her home was calm and she stayed in her own bed up until about 3 weeks before passing over, so she was able to feel comfortable in her surroundings. The view from her bedroom was beautiful and meant that while she could sit up, she could enjoy the birds and nature outside her window.
It was beautiful to feel the way we all worked together in supporting this process for our friend who was approaching death and dying.
I can only imagine how beautiful it must have felt for her to be supported by friends in this phase of life. For her it was a time of heightened awareness and openness and a deep surrendering to what was happening, with deep clarity and a depth of true connection.
Just thinking about this amount of support and love makes me realise that we could be offering this to so many others who are passing over; but we often don’t, because so far it’s not the norm.
I have been inspired by Serge Benhayon and the many presentations of Universal Medicine that have increased my awareness on the subject of death and dying and my experience with supporting my friend through this process in her last year of life. I have been inspired to share my experience so that it too may inspire others to start to offer another way of support for their friends and family when they are terminally ill: to deeply appreciate and honour this special time and opportunity to connect at a deeper level with each other.
By Rosie Bason, Age 35, Massage therapist, Business owner, Parent, Goonellabah, NSW
Further Reading:
Death & Dying – A Taboo Topic or a Joyful, Normal Conversation?
Reincarnation: Does Everything Start and End?
The Kingly Body – Building a Connection With Your Soul
905 Comments
I feel the key to approach death is found in the surrender in both the person who is in the dying process and the people around them. This is what allows to have a very enriching experience in those moments that goes beyond life and death, and remains endless within us.
At the other end of the cycle we have birth, and a week ago at a christenings the empowering words that were shared and the authority that they held us in was real and felt by young and old, “to deeply appreciate and honour this special time and opportunity to connect at a deeper level with each other.” What a great way to understand we are more than this simple human vessel, so as a community we can deepen every relationship in the most intimate (non sexual) way. Intimacy is letting people in and appreciation goes hand in hand with intimacy and to energetically appreciate is to understand first and for-most we are more than human and so are others equally so.
All the discussion around death we have makes the death phase of life become a passing-over because the process of dying is understood and confirmed as something not to be feared as we can all feel that we have completed our association at this point of time. And we are then all ready and open to re-connecting when we are back in a different vessel.
There are many societies that still celebrate birth and death equally. What would the world be like if we made this the norm?
We would definitely appreciate these cycles and reincarnation in its true form, and thus be more intimate by letting people in.
It will be wonderful to have this as the norm, ‘Just thinking about this amount of support and love makes me realise that we could be offering this to so many others who are passing over’.
The more we all share our experiences of death and dying the more we will realise and accept that it is a natural part of the cycle of life and rebirth. We all have something to learn from each other whether it is as a newborn or approaching death. and dying.
The Loving-support and non-imposing dedication shown obviously allowed a deepening awareness for everyone involved so there was no regrets held about a life that was full until the end.
I can only imagine what a beautiful experience it would be, to be so lovingly supported by friends and the community on passing over like your friend was.
Yes, it does sound a beautiful experience to have so much love and support at this time in your life, I welcome the day this is the norm for everyone.
It seems to me like death is a great opportunity to learn that all the things we hold onto in life – all the grudges, problems, things we don’t like, stresses and even all the things we love or need are simply not worth hanging onto, it’s almost like in dying we get a new lesson in how to live.
It is so true Rosie that our openness to talking about death and dying is virtually non-existent and as a result we are allowing the ‘taboo’ that has been imposed around this cycle of life, one we all will be met with, to undermine the deepening of love, power, wisdom and grace that is actually on offer to all of us through this phase. Thank you for sharing how there is another way on that is beautifully beholding, honouring and deeply caring and supportive it can be when we are open to being present and sharing ourselves honestly through this cycle of life. In fact, the more talk about it more now in our everyday lives the more we break down the taboo, the mystery around death and dying and bring to light the truth of what this cycle represents and offers all of us, so then it is with preparedness we all know what is needed to support each other to maximise what is on offer.
Acceptance of death and death cycle heals friends, family and person who is passing over into their next life. The dying person’s gracious acceptance of their own passing over inspired those around her and many more who will read this blog.
Conversations about death and dying before, during and after is an essential part of preparing for and accepting it.
Death can be healing: we don’t have to be left bereft and devastated when a loved one dies. We can instead and regardless of their own view of death or nature of it walk alongside a dying person, support them, be a holding presence, work as a team with doctors, nurses other practitioners, friends and relatives. Being in the presence of a dying person is about the quality we bring to them, not just being in attendance.
Our quality, that we live in and bring to all we meet is super important, and has an effect on everyone.
What I loved from your sharing is the feeling of everyone being together going through the experience and it struck me that I have heard it said that it takes a community to raise a child but never about a community coming together to support someone to pass over. This has to be the blueprint for the future.
It’s very beautiful to read how your friend was supported to maintain her sense of dignity and honouring what felt true for her and also how open you all were with one another talking about the end of life care and wishes.
I love feeling the community in your sharing Rosie. The passing over was not just about this person passing over, but an evolutionary process for all involved. I can feel the joy in naturally supporting her till her last breath and how everyone was truly supported with supporting her. True community that will one day be the common way on earth
Absolutely embracing the evolution on offer to all concerned through the passing over process.
In the past when members of my family died I felt lost and was unprepared for what was happening both for them and for me. But now since attending the presentations by Serge Benhayon, my awareness has increased around the true meaning of this inevitable life’s event so much so that I have opened up to sharing about my experiences and feelings about death and am in the process of preparing for how I would like my pass over to be.
I too Rosie was part of the group that supported our dear friend, the reflections in how she approached death and passing over were so inspiring for us who were able to witness this. How beautiful the process can be when a person opens up deepening their own love to accept what is on offer during these times, preparing them to enter the next phase in the cycle of life and death.
Passing-over is a natural cycle, as is us re-turning or reincarnating and this should be a part of any discussion we are going to have around birth and end of life. How we live to our last breath from the day we are born all is a part of what should be our understanding of what we have lived we come back to, so can you imagine saying to a grumpy controlling 2 or 3 year old this is exactly how you were when you passed-over in your last incarnation. This is something that we need to share with our children from day one in the most Loving way so they grow up understanding what responsibility is all about and then we will start to go to our last breath with no regrets.
And passing with no regrets so that we feel complete with every relationship with nothing left unsaid and all that is said is based on decency with respect, which is coming from Love.
It’s beautiful how you describe your friend was supported not to ‘give up’ at the end of that life but instead surrender to the cycle on offer and have dignity, presence and great awareness all the way through.
The way I have come to understand death and dying is that it’s not to be feared or fought but can be accepted as a part of life. However I understand this is not everyone’s relationship with it but the more normal we talk about it the more it gets accepted.
Absolutely, and the more we talk about it and support people this way the more normal it can become. Although I think it is more normal in a lot of countries, but perhaps just not spoken about.
To be surrounded with this level of love in your final days is very beautiful and something that many would want but simply don’t experience. Our life is often lived in a way today where the depth and quality we seek is absent in our connections with others.
And even when we get a taste of that connection and quality, we resist it as we are afraid that we may like it too much and then it will be gone!
In our society it is natural to celebrate birth and being young. Getting older, ageing is already one step further away, we know we all do but the emphasis is on staying young and then death and dying is generally speaking something we avoid as much as we can to not be confronted by the fact that our live on earth has an end. We have left the natural cycle we live in far behind us and try to live a superficial life until eventually death catches up with us. In this case it was different and inspiring as it was a beautiful completion of her life.
Yes imagine what it would look like in society if we gave as much energy and effort to death and dying as we do to birth and staying young!
After reading this blog it occurred to me that just simply talking about dying with each other would be so healing and helpful in breaking down the stereotypes and fears of this most natural (and inevitable) process. I feel that the majority of fear of death (at least for myself) comes from a concern that I have not capitalised on everything I am here to do in this life by living with as much love and service to others as possible. Even writing this now is helpful for me to see how living with that fear is handicapping by not appreciating all that I bring to the world just by being me and all I have already done with love. In addition, I imagine if one does not believe (or know) of the fact of reincarnation it will have a real challenging effect on how they view the dying process and how they live their life in perhaps a more self-centred way if they think it’s over after death.
Isn’t it also interesting that we don’t talk about death until someone close to us is ill or someone dies but even then, its not a conversation where you dig deep and really go there. It is great when we cut the superficial chit chat and allow ourselves to express and feel all that is there when we talk about dying and the fact that it is just this life and then there will be another.
A profound way to feel and look at death.. one that allows more wideness to the subject and more fresh breath and air to its principles. We know what feels true to us ; also around the subject of death and dying, hence to come back to our truth and what we feel that is important – is important for us to express and share with others. Thank you for highlighting this in your blog.
I now have a few very close friends all diagnosed with cancer and I appreciate what I have learnt from the experience and now take every opportunity to express things with them and not hold back.
Thank you for sharing this inspiring experience Rosie. What you have shared about your friend’s passing ought to be the way we all are cared for and supported in our last days, but sadly as you say, “it is not the norm”. Until we begin to open up and share the fact that life and death are all part of the same cycle many will live their lives fearing death therefore living in a way that prevents them from living their life to the fullest until the last moment, as your friend was able to do.
Yes Ingrid, lets make this way the norm, lets normalise it so that others don’t have to be in fear but enjoy life until their last breath. Why wouldn’t we want that.
Death is not something that should be hidden away, or ignored, or pitied, or avoided. Death is a part of all of our lives, and so embracing the process and supporting one another is a crucial requirement.
And it is ridiculous to think otherwise or to avoid it and the preparation for it. I have other friends who have started to prepare for their passing over and it is inspirational. Taking care of their affairs, making sure they don’t leave any baggage for others to deal with. It is actually very responsible and I think it needs to be the normal.
That is very true Rosie, we need a deeper and true form of appreciation towards the end of life cycle; being in it or being around it. Makes our death and dying worth of Gold.
I agree Danna. There is so much information about the birth process but the death process, is for the most part, conveniently ignored. If we see it as part of a cycle, as you suggest, then it becomes a natural consequence in our life and actually the beginning of another way of life or existence. The time leading up to our death and how we die is then of great import. Being able to support our friends and loved ones at this time can be very healing for all parties. In my experience two of the things that most get in the way are sympathy and regret. Appreciation on the other hand allows us a very different way of being with each other.
And if we think about regret, it is all about ourself and is mostly because we didn’t do this or that or take responsibility. And as I write this, no wonder we don’t want to think about it because then we would see that we are the ones that can change this or do something about it.