Ever since I can remember, I have always been surrounded by men. Before the age of around 11 most of my friends were boys, from the ones with whom I’d play wrestling and football to the ones I’d persuade to play house with me and my dolls, which to be honest wasn’t that difficult.
From my experience with men, I got to see that they actually can be deeply caring and very gentle. Even more so, I have observed that the toughest, rock-solid, scary looking guys have this tender, child-like quality to them too, which no extra-large bicep, dark tattoo or hoody could conceal.
- Men, just like women, are sensitive.
- Men, just like women, seek connection and love.
- Men, just like women, deserve to be treated tenderly and honoured for these innate qualities.
Sadly, and no different from women, men build up layers of protection to keep them ‘safe’ from this world full of social ideals and expectations that are not configured to let them live their sweetness, their sensitivity and their delicacy.
So often we as women take the men in our lives for granted, focussing on all of the things they do, rather than who they are on the inside.
We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women. However, do we ever pause to consider that we might be doing the same to them? So many of us dive into our ignorance and arrogance and choose not to be open in relationships with our partners, not to mention the games we play. Why? Because we can. Because ‘he’s a man,’ or worse, because ‘men don’t talk about feelings,’ or perhaps the worst, because ‘men don’t understand.’ Yet, have we tried?
Have we truly given the men we know, and the ones we don’t, an opportunity to open up to us by being transparently open towards them first?
Why do we think that women have the right to express their feelings but men do not? We know that repressed feelings can lead to self-abuse in all of its varieties, yet we praise men for doing exactly that – quashing their sensitivity.
In our 21st century society men are by and large marginalised, based on the wage they earn, how tall they are, or how defined their six pack is. Men are demonised for the pay gap between the genders, yet still many women are 100% happy to exploit men for their money and avoid paying for dinners, movie tickets, travel, etc.
Men are blamed for being indifferent and hostile, which they can be, yet the root cause of these behaviours is not sought.
As women, so many of us have become incredibly hard and unbelievably tough in our mission to be the perfect wife, the best mum, the top employee, the greatest friend, ideal neighbour or the sister from heaven. We constantly try to reach our unrealistic pictures of what we, our partners and our children should be like, completely losing touch with our most wonderful ability to be the ones who can best support the quality of tenderness to flourish in men.
But this can’t come as a surprise to us when we women are not living that same tenderness we came into this world with!
Our young boys are taught to be the tough soldiers who never cry or, God forbid, show their vulnerability, because if they did, the big bad world would crush them. We indoctrinate them from a young age that their role is to protect the women around them and serve as the backbone of the world. So much pressure on those young shoulders…
But what if by dismissing and denying men’s tenderness, we are effectively rejecting them for who they truly are? This must create very deep pain, making men even more sensitive to rejection, because when we are shown that who we truly are is not good enough, we get hurt beyond imagination and thus become desensitised, indifferent and in the extreme –hostile.
Men really can be beautifully tender, gentle, and caring. They have great depths of feelings, a capacity for understanding, nurturing and the ability to be great listeners. We as women have an amazing opportunity to encourage, support and respect these very qualities in men (and in ourselves) that we crave more than any chocolate bar on earth.
Granting men permission to be who they truly are, their amazing selves, will doubtless contribute to a decrease in men’s depression and the current alarming suicide rates, as well as curb the devastating rise in substance abuse among men.
And consider for a moment the wonderful effects that this in turn would have on women!
Next time an opportunity arises to express your love and appreciation for a man (any man) in your life, be that at dinner at your neighbour’s home, your boss’ birthday or a nephew’s graduation day – or even better, for no special reason at all – say it with half a dozen red/white/yellow or pink roses and watch the glee in the man’s eye thanking you for acknowledging and honouring the tenderness and preciousness he truly is. And should such a gesture make him appear awkward in expressing his appreciation of the gift, let that not be a reason to hold back from doing so again – for men also need to get used to the fact that they are tender and precious.
By Viktoria Stoykova, Project Coordinator, London, UK
Further Reading:
Exposing Ideals and Beliefs: Discovering Deep Tenderness
Relating to Women as a Man
Men are only after one thing
402 Comments
More responsibility from us women in how we treat men is sorely needed, I suggest, we can do the blame game a lot, I know I did, we can be more understanding of men, with out ever condoning any abusive behaviour, but in truth we are here to live harmoniously not fight one another.
“Because men don’t talk about feelings“
Yes but why, one of the reasons is that they will not be accepted by their partner, so them clam up .
‘Have we truly given the men we know, and the ones we don’t, an opportunity to open up to us by being transparently open towards them first?’ – such a great question and I have only started to truly see the depth to how much I have held back and not been really open and honest with men as a form of protection and reaction to how they can be. Breaking this had such a huge impact on how deep we really can go.
Yep me too Natalie, I’ve nagged the men in my life to be more open and all from behind a closed door!
Always deeply deeply inspiring to bring honesty on the table across the board between men and women. There are so many ideals that men and women cannot be letting each other in fully—such as the ideal of men being able to take care of everything or women being super woman. All in all, both of these ideals is saying to each other—I don’t need you, and shutting the other out partly in our lives and that hurts because we know the truth to unity is to let each other fully.
Yesterday I observed as a man asked his wife ‘why are you anxious, what is going through your head?’ – and it made me stop and consider that this is not a usual dialogue that a man has with a woman – but it was so awesome to see because it showed me another way – where men can speak about what they feel and sense and they can express it. That was all I saw of the conversation, but it was enough to make me stop and appreciate men in my life who do have those conversations and reminds me of my role in this to absolutely support them.
Yes it is definitely a two-way street, both genders are equally responsible for bringing us all back to harmony.
Beautiful Viktoria, especially the last paragraph very beautiful. I take that suggestion in my heart.
I get to observe the tenderness in the men around me, that they feel safe enough to open up this vulnerability to me. This is because I am constantly showing them my vulnerabilities too.
This is the key. Men melt when they feel a woman being fragile and vulnerable. That gives them the permission, without words, to be that for themselves. What if they need that reflection in us women to find back to who they truly are?
This is a breath of fresh air, and that’s what is needed for our men, the freshness of supporting and loving them, seeing them for who they really are ‘for men also need to get used to the fact that they are tender and precious.’ Yes, they have feelings and if they weren’t bombarded by society, which is actually all of us, to be the ideas and pictures of what it is to be a man with many flavours, but were given the permission to drop their protection and guard, we would all get the quality of a man in his tenderness and openness.
If we stripped back naked all women and men, and we were not imposed on by the ideals, beliefs, and images of what and how we should be, what would we discover, what would our true nature be?
To dismiss our men’s tenderness is to deny us all of a strength and quality that will change the nature of our world.
The more we let go of the perceived roles as man or woman and we just let ourselves be friends and/or lovers maybe as husband and wife or whatever the more it frees up the relationship, no matter how good we may have considered ourselves at those roles, you can’t beat just being yourself. Same thing goes in the workplace or anywhere else, just be yourself works every time.
I watched a beautiful video today which had some men of all different shapes, sizes and colours in it and it brought me to tears the way I could see the tenderness, sweetness and love in all of them, regardless of their external appearance. This is something I am starting to notice more and more perhaps as I accept it in myself more and more as a man.
That is such a beautiful photo, truly captures his sweetness and tenderness.
Men are as tender and fragile as women, the more tender and fragile we are, the more we give the men permission to be who they naturally are.
This photo is absolutely gorgeous, and says it all really.
Sometimes when I am seen and accepted for my tenderness, vulnerability or imperfection especially by a woman I get to feel the tension and protection I still hold and how much more I could treat myself with love and acceptance. It is sometimes only by reflection that we get to recognize that what feels familiar and normal is not necessarily our natural and most harmonious state of being.
“Have we truly given the men we know, and the ones we don’t, an opportunity to open up to us by being transparently open towards them first?” This is a very good point. We tend to hold men to ransom for the hurt we have already experienced, and then we blame them for not opening up. A great example of how we need to address our own hurts in order to relate to others in an open way.
I love the point you make about women being quite happy to exploit men in subtle ways – like expecting them to pay for things. It’s quite sneaky and it has a lot behind it that for a man must feel quite crushing.
A beautiful sharing.
It is a very special experience to feel a man opening up when openly praised and appreciated for who they are and what they bring. Even more so to see and feel the gorgeous connection between men when they hug each other rather than shaking hands!
We women do complain about the way men treat us, but we are not the best role models. We stereotype and underestimate men and certainly do not show how sensitive we are with them. I am finding as I become more honouring of my feelings and willing to express them, the way men express with me is changing. Another lesson in ‘it all starts with us’!
Absolutely Fiona, we change and the world changes. I have noticed that it is easy to be around men of all ages because I am not playing any games or seeking attention. I am simply meeting them and talking to them, as I do women of all ages, no difference. They feel met and accepted for who they are. I see their sweetness and gentleness and it is beautiful to be around.
This week there have been two occasions where men have expressed about daring to wear pink – such are the associations about being delicate, fragile or vulnerable just by the choice of your jumper. It felt lovely to confirm and appreciate their more feminine side.
Last night I met a number of my son’s teachers. Some amazing men. I told them so.
How gorgeous for the teachers to have received this communication. Can’t think of any gift more supportive and more confirming than seeing the true beauty and amazingness in another and through your movements, response or words letting them know.
There is this myth, that men don´t like when you say that they are sweet. I have different experiences. Everytime I express and announce the sweetness of a man and how beautiful that is and how much I honour that, they melt …and so do I.
You do know how to appreciate men, Viktoria, by really seeing us for the essential qualities we bring. It touches me. Thank you.
Just as women need to honour men for their true nature so too need men to honour women in their wholeness, it is a mutual appreciation and thus advancement for everyone equally.
I agree Alex. Life is a training ground and these expressions of appreciation (and they don’t need to be voiced, just felt and moved) get us fit for life.
I love this, the mutual support for each other in expressing our innate qualities in full.
I agree, we can never point the finger towards another- a change starts always with us first. Live, love and express how you want to be treated and appreciated.
There is nothing more beautiful than feeling a man in his tenderness. Sometimes, I find that men can express a greater level of tenderness than women, which can expose, where we are at as a gender to where we should be.
My love for men is in the fact that we can be extremely tender and connect on that level.
“We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women.”
Question is: Do we appreciate and honour ourselves as women in the first place ?
It is a bit unfair to demand it from men/ the outside, when we don’t start first.
How much responsibility do we carry that, we get not treated in the way we want to be treated?
What a brilliant and real understanding of both men and women with who we all are inside, our preciousness, sensitivity and vulnerability. Honouring who we all are with each other would change everything and allow ourselves to expand and open up to each other with the love and support we all deserve.
Women are here to lead the way, to live in our sacredness, our tenderness, our vulnerability, our grace, our strength and by doing so, can support men to do the same.
Women we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable this reflection will allow men to be the same. Men may react but allow them the reflection nonetheless.
The moment we accept our vulnerability in full and see and appreciate it as the greatest form of our being, reactions towards us will be highlighted/ standing out as such and being understood as self neglect within the other person.
‘We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women. However, do we ever pause to consider that we might be doing the same to them?’ Interesting how we only want to see one side of the story and it tends to be our own and not the other person’s. If we could see the consequences of how we live, the outcome of the way we choose to be, life would make so much sense. We would understand why things are the way they are.
There is nothing lovelier than being in the company of a man who has let go of protection and who is emanating his natural gentle, tender way of being.
Yes, and this in turn enables us to drop our own protection and the behaviour that goes with it.
Of course men are responsible for their own healing and shouldn´t depent on women to offer or do it for them, but the deep healing that comes with a women truly seeing and accepting a man for who he is is priceless especially because that hurt is originally caused by women and as long as the hurt is confirmed over and over again it will be extremely hard for a man to liberate himself from it.
It’s so sad that the world is so harsh and so ugly that we feel we need to build up layers of protection in order to survive. The men are given the role of protectors, yet they are just as sensitive as the women. The world will never change if we all keep falling for this belief. By accepting and honouring our fragility we offer the world a different reflection and another possibility. Without this reflection we will just continue in the same old way and nothing will ever change.
This is a great point Rebecca if we didn’t have to build all the protection and act tough to survive and could stay open there would be a massive change when we all realised that being open is our natural way of being.
It is so true Viktoria, men and women are so alike in many ways. We have both been raised to believe that for the world to love us we need to be someone who we are not. What an exhausting and futile exercise that is as we only end up harming ourselves and depriving the world of the most beautiful beings we both are.
It’s one thing for a woman to appreciate a man, but for another guy to express their love for a man without reservation can be so challenging for us to hear. The stigma of seeing this as sexual in some way can be at play but I feel the main thing is it clearly shows us when this happens it asks us to connect to this beauty in ourselves. It’s so powerful as you show Viktoria so we certainly shouldn’t get put off by any reaction we receive.
When men allow themselves to express their love for each other( non sexual ), there is no difference to two women expressing. In fact, I have seen more transparency and real openness when two men let go of their guard and hug and express than we women do. We all carry the same fragility and sensitivity in us, we just have to give it a go and allow to be seen . For both genders.
This is revealing that both gender have everything it takes to heal themselves and each other, we only need to do it, i.e. to let go of waiting for the other to make the first step but take initiative ourselves without any condition.
That sounds divine Alex. Let’s not wait for the other to show us how gorgeous they are first before we show the world our own exquisite essence.
This is so very true Alex and so let’s start with not blaming the other gender for the choices we ourselves have made. No one can take away who we truly are, it is our own choice to adapt or conform.
Always our choice. And we have the power to make it.
We need to continually step forwards and be exposed and then repeat this with everyone we meet over and over again.
Very beautiful and healing to be seen as a man. Just this is enough to undo all the falsities that men have taken on from the expectations and needs that were imposed on them.
I love this Viktoria, when have we stopped and taken a step back and instead of putting the expectations on what we want from men? Men totally deserve this level of care and attention, to be celebrated just for being the most caring, sweet and tender men that they are and impact that this would have on all relationships would be beautiful. I have been blessed to witness this and there is so much more openness and deeply respected relationships when this happens. Which can only really happen until we celebrate ourselves for being awesome first and then we can truly celebrate another.
This is a must read for us all, men and women! To me you have hit on some of the most important issues that men and women face in their relationships and so urgently need to acknowledge and change! Thank you Viktoria.