On Relationships – To be Held and to Behold

I love being held.

I have been single for the last four years and have chosen this period of grace to explore and understand more deeply what it means to hold myself.

To be held is a feeling of deep surrender, where we know no matter what happens we are safe. It is a moment of absolute communion with God and with our bodies.

Often we look for this feeling of being held from relationships, where we want and crave to be held, to once again feel this security that we know, a feeling where our hearts and bodies simply drop into and deepen, in connection to our Soul. I have looked for this feeling of security most of my life from relationships, but every time it has proved fleeting.

But there is an absolute knowing within me that any tricky situation in life means I have the support to find my way out of it. And therefore when I chose to be single I committed to finding out ways that I could hold myself, much like being held by a person that I trusted.

It simply began with the most direct and physical experience of crisscrossing my hands to touch my two arms in the most delicate and gentle way… and my whole body instantly melted. With this I had the simple confirmation that I can hold myself, I can give this back to myself.

This practice gradually expanded into other ways and other areas in my life, such as consistently taking walks in the quiet mornings. When I walk with myself, a warmth circulates up my body with a very warm, robust, solid and yet tender support. I will also support myself by the quality, sound and tone of my own voice: for example, instead of sending a written message on my phone to someone, I would record audio messages with the added awareness to speak in truth, presence and letting the whole of me to be expressed. Another frequent method was to take a ‘selfie’ allowing all my love to be reflected back through my own eyes. The idea was always to hold myself and express to myself like the most delicate and loving partner would.

I would imagine how I would like to be treated while I communicate, dine, play, date, work, shop, walk, sleep, dress up, make love etc., and would devotedly give this quality and depth all back to myself when I was on my own as well as when I was with others.

I discovered that every moment in life is an opportunity to deepen this relationship with myself. I would always feel full when I chose to give back to myself.

Recently, I felt that my self-dating had come to an end – for now – and it is time to test what I have lived with others. And how joyful that feels!

In experiencing an intimate relationship with another, what I found was with the experience of holding myself, it is very natural to then hold another, both energetically and physically. But what I have also realised is, holding someone is not the same as holding onto someone.

There is no attachment in beholding, it is simply feeling myself and another (others) at all times, and that is love.

To me, holding hands is one of the most intimate feelings in the world, as we are exchanging from our hearts with each other in a very pure way: I love holding a partner’s hands. And in holding another’s hands, I have been asked to discern if I am beholding or attaching. Do I hold another’s hands wanting them to be with me, or do I hold another’s hands in respect that they will walk at the pace they are comfortable with? Sometimes I physically let go of another’s hand because I know love is being chosen and nothing can actually be lost.

And it is with that I choose the quality of my relationships to be; and that this quality of relationships will come back to meet me.

By Adele Leung, Fashion Stylist/Creative Director, Hong Kong

Further Reading:
Prince charming vs true love
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Unconditional Love
In Relationship with Myself – A Love of Being a Single Woman