I love being held.
I have been single for the last four years and have chosen this period of grace to explore and understand more deeply what it means to hold myself.
To be held is a feeling of deep surrender, where we know no matter what happens we are safe. It is a moment of absolute communion with God and with our bodies.
Often we look for this feeling of being held from relationships, where we want and crave to be held, to once again feel this security that we know, a feeling where our hearts and bodies simply drop into and deepen, in connection to our Soul. I have looked for this feeling of security most of my life from relationships, but every time it has proved fleeting.
But there is an absolute knowing within me that any tricky situation in life means I have the support to find my way out of it. And therefore when I chose to be single I committed to finding out ways that I could hold myself, much like being held by a person that I trusted.
It simply began with the most direct and physical experience of crisscrossing my hands to touch my two arms in the most delicate and gentle way… and my whole body instantly melted. With this I had the simple confirmation that I can hold myself, I can give this back to myself.
This practice gradually expanded into other ways and other areas in my life, such as consistently taking walks in the quiet mornings. When I walk with myself, a warmth circulates up my body with a very warm, robust, solid and yet tender support. I will also support myself by the quality, sound and tone of my own voice: for example, instead of sending a written message on my phone to someone, I would record audio messages with the added awareness to speak in truth, presence and letting the whole of me to be expressed. Another frequent method was to take a ‘selfie’ allowing all my love to be reflected back through my own eyes. The idea was always to hold myself and express to myself like the most delicate and loving partner would.
I would imagine how I would like to be treated while I communicate, dine, play, date, work, shop, walk, sleep, dress up, make love etc., and would devotedly give this quality and depth all back to myself when I was on my own as well as when I was with others.
I discovered that every moment in life is an opportunity to deepen this relationship with myself. I would always feel full when I chose to give back to myself.
Recently, I felt that my self-dating had come to an end – for now – and it is time to test what I have lived with others. And how joyful that feels!
In experiencing an intimate relationship with another, what I found was with the experience of holding myself, it is very natural to then hold another, both energetically and physically. But what I have also realised is, holding someone is not the same as holding onto someone.
There is no attachment in beholding, it is simply feeling myself and another (others) at all times, and that is love.
To me, holding hands is one of the most intimate feelings in the world, as we are exchanging from our hearts with each other in a very pure way: I love holding a partner’s hands. And in holding another’s hands, I have been asked to discern if I am beholding or attaching. Do I hold another’s hands wanting them to be with me, or do I hold another’s hands in respect that they will walk at the pace they are comfortable with? Sometimes I physically let go of another’s hand because I know love is being chosen and nothing can actually be lost.
And it is with that I choose the quality of my relationships to be; and that this quality of relationships will come back to meet me.
By Adele Leung, Fashion Stylist/Creative Director, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
Prince charming vs true love
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Unconditional Love
In Relationship with Myself – A Love of Being a Single Woman
841 Comments
The absolute-ness of our Lived quality definitely is worth expanding and deepening so the Love we are becomes more of who we are and then this is the most Loving reflection is then able to be shared in our relationships.
‘…Every moment in life is an opportunity to deepen this relationship with myself.’ I love this line – and it’s so true. An inspiring blog Adele.
A way that I hold myself is through my movements. I might sway my hips gently and rhythmically from side to side or do some delicate connective tissue movements. Sometimes I will place my hand lightly on my chest or caress my thighs. The movements feel like beautiful, loving gestures towards myself.
“I would imagine how I would like to be treated while I communicate, dine, play, date, work, shop, walk, sleep, dress up, make love etc., and would devotedly give this quality and depth all back to myself when I was on my own as well as when I was with others”. This is sublime, so, so beautiful. A love affair with yourself.
” I will also support myself by the quality, sound and tone of my own voice: for example, instead of sending a written message on my phone to someone, I would record audio messages with the added awareness to speak in truth, presence and letting the whole of me to be expressed”. Adele I remember reading this years ago and it struck me as an interesting idea. I didn’t consciously put it into practice but when I changed phones I started to dictate my messages whilst driving and through that process started to become acutely aware of the quality of my voice. It can at times feel and sound very beautiful, tender and loving, which in turn feels like it’s a confirmation that feeds me back.
Adele, it is a beautiful reminder that we can hold ourselves in love and that we need not be reliant on another for this.
This is really beautiful; ‘To be held is a feeling of deep surrender, where we know no matter what happens we are safe.’ I love that we can hold ourselves and others in this way.
To be held with beholding love is to be embraced by heaven.
Beautifully expressed Elizabeth.
Sometimes I wonder how on earth am I going to master something that I know I am to master however it is not long before I get a sense that everything that comes my way is for a reason and that it wouldn’t come my way if there wasn’t something to learn. It is learning to let go and be open to the unfolding in whatever way and timing.
Yes, I have something to master at present, it feels very big, I am not sure how it will be etcetera, I guess I have to surrender along the way as I know it is imperative to master this particular thing.
What most of tend to do is to look at what we have yet to master as opposed to what we have already mastered and yet I think that it would actually be very supportive in mastering what’s in front of us if we acknowledged the colossal amount of things that we have already mastered. It’s just a case of systematically working through things one thing at a time.
Being in a relationship is every day a learning to be deeper love with ourselves and each other. No moment can we cruise in comfort. It is truly worthwhile and this is the true definition of a relationship.
This was a great exercise to learn being deeper love with yourself every day, ‘ The idea was always to hold myself and express to myself like the most delicate and loving partner would.’
“I love being held” – I love being held in the quality of understanding.
I love the phrase holding someone does not necessarily mean holding onto them. I have on occasion been inspired when a couple lovingly separate with the deepest respect and beholding of the other and themselves, it is indeed a sight to behold!
We are only able to behold someone when we first hold ourselves without question. When we are able to walk away from someone or a situation which requires us to hold ourselves deeper, this choice reflects the commitment to return to true love, it is our natural direction to move into.
“I would imagine how I would like to be treated while I communicate, dine, play, date, work, shop, walk, sleep, dress up, make love etc., and would devotedly give this quality and depth all back to myself when I was on my own as well as when I was with others.” This is so cool – I’m going to experiment with this for a week and see how I feel at the end!
“To be held is a feeling of deep surrender, where we know no matter what happens we are safe. It is a moment of absolute communion with God and with our bodies.” Allowing ourselves to surender to this feeling of being held when we are on our own is a great step towards deepening our understanding of our purpose on earth and equally supports us in our evolution.
“holding someone is not the same as holding onto someone” when we hold onto someone for security we fear the separation but when we hold someone in equal love there is nothing to lose as we know we are already love.
I agree Mary when we hold onto someone, we are expecting them to give us something which we do not give to ourselves, but when we hold someone we are coming from a place of fullness from within ourselves.
Such a beautiful experience for you to go through Adele and to now understand the difference between holding someone and holding onto someone. It is so easy to get attached to someone in a relationship based on what we need from them – but to let go of this and simply hold them in love takes it to a whole new depth.
There are so many different and subtle ways that we can hold ourselves tenderly, such as honouring what we feel, expressing what is there to be said and being honest and accepting of where we are at in any moment.
Holding one self, to find a holding in yourself is a great settlement that defies every search for the fake bastardization of it: comfort.
Nothing can replace or substitute the most precious and first and foremost relationship we have in our lives – the one we have with ourselves. When we work on that, it’s transferrable and expansive: all that love we connect to within is there for us to be expressed first of all with and to ourselves, and then from there, outwardly with others. Beautiful to feel and read this process of unfoldment, where there is no end, only deeper levels of love to feel and to express.
It such a beautiful and honouring reflection you share here Adele of what it truly means to live with our innate love, as such held in Gods inescapable love. As in developing and living in an intimate relationship with love for ourselves we then naturally offer this in all our relationships, as the degree of honouring we all rightfully deserve to live.
A beautifully inspiring story thank you Adele, I love how you shared the ways in which you learnt to hold yourself, and the beholding love of others, and in doing you developed trust within your self. “There is no attachment in beholding, it is simply feeling myself and another (others) at all times, and that is love. “
Trust can build in the body as we deepen and behold ourselves from that place that we are love.
If we want be held, we can hold ourselves, but ultimately the feeling of being held is the feeling of being held by the Universe, by God.
If we don’t hold ourselves certainly no one else can
What an exquisite description of what it means to hold and behold oneself and then others, Adele! I can see very clearly how if we have not worked on what it means to truly hold ourselves with deep tenderness and connection, then we can’t offer that to anyone else, and this then may breed the needy attachment to another that you speak of, where we are looking for that connection outside of ourselves.
There is a surrender in what you describe, of knowing that love and breathing that love in and out, we know from this state that holding hands in fact are not needed to confirm that love. Even though holding hands can be a very great thing to do. So — we know love by our knowing and true movement first.
“Recently, I felt that my self-dating had come to an end – for now – and it is time to test what I have lived with others. And how joyful that feels!” – i love how you say “self-dating” Adele, it’s a great phrase, and how that self relationship has evolved with another to circulate even more fresh air into the already freshened and fragrant air/way you live life!
We are dating ourselves or someone all the time, or we can be in disconnection with ourselves and others also, it is only one or the other.
Thank you Adele, you sharing on the mechanics of how it is to hold yourself and to behold are inspiring straightaway.
Holding yourself and being connected to your fullness will automatically hold everyone else equally in it. Every person you meet, will get this unimposing love reflected- even without touch. It is like a wide open door, everyone can walk through, anytime, if they choose to.
It is very true Stefanie – we do not need to physical touch another to hold them as this is felt in the quality of our movement first, through the quality of love we align to, live and hold for ourselves first.
And it’s very possible to be physically held by another and to not feel held at all.
Yes, very true. Someone can be physically present but totally absent emotionally or energetically. This can feel more lonely than actually being alone. Holding ourselves in love at all times is key.
This is exactly the magic of work and of every relsyuonship. What I sometimes observe is it’s ok if there is reaction from this walking reflection, not everyone wants it but we can’t hold it back.
The consistency and commitment to hold yourself is very inspiring Adele. It is through consistency that we build trust with ourselves and others.