I sat on the train ride through the snowy mountains of eastern Switzerland, deeply occupied in my observation of all the curves that the snowfall had left, and how the trees stood so tall even with so much snow on top of them, when I suddenly felt a jarring and a cringing pain in my stomach area. Indigestion you may ask? Thankfully no; plus, rest assured, this piece is not a self-confessed-dear-diary-digestive-issue entry.
The sting occurred straight after I could not help but hear something from another fellow passenger. The conversation was a general small-talk chat between what I am guessing were 3 friends or work colleagues that blended into the background, however one sentence from one of the 30-something year old men stuck out like the sorest of thumbs:
“I will never cheat my goal of sleeping with a spouse.”
By way of a prelude: I’m 21 years old and I have experienced night club outings, getting drunk and the many twisted thoughts and activities that generally go with those environments and substances, so I have a pretty good understanding for how someone would find themselves in a position where they are just about to, or just have, slept with someone’s spouse. We know it happens, we have either seen cases, have heard of or have experienced scenarios where this sort of thing happens and deep down know that it should have not occurred.
The reason this statement jarred me so much was the calculated nature of it. The fact that this particular young man was not alluding to a possibility of a just one-night regret: no, by his own confirmation he has made sleeping with someone’s wife his life aim. Equally disturbing was that his female companion laughed out loud as if it were the sweetest and most amusing thing she had heard. This was an icing on the already spoilt cake.
I am a man. Like most men, I have grown into one from a boy, and I remember clearly being a boy with all my little friends too. Our life’s grandest ambitions were to be firemen or policemen or train conductors. We played together, both girls and boys, and we played very tenderly. I/we were not unique – visit any nursery around the world and you’d generally experience the same sight – little sweet, tender, caring, light and deeply loving angels.
So the question that was flashing in my head like a large neon billboard on this train ride was: what has happened to us – what do we experience in life that we go from being a sweet delicate boy with a heart of gold, to someone who makes their life goal to sexually objectify a woman as conquerable land AND potentially rip apart a marriage?
You may say, well if a woman wants to cheat on her husband then it’s obviously not working out so let that be the end of it, and to that my response would be, just because a country is having difficulties internally does not mean it deserves to have a nuclear bomb dropped on it.
Back to the point here though, and that is, what is it about the way we are raised as boys to young men that we end up with this type of mission as an end result? Somewhere on that ‘raising boy to a man’ trajectory something went horribly wrong and a serious derailment must have occurred.
Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?
I have experienced rejections during my 22 years here on Earth, all the way from a stranger ignoring a “hello,” to being held at arm’s distance by a crush, and in every instance there was a feeling in my body that is undeniably uncomfortable. In reaction and retaliation, I have done various things to ensure that I would not feel that throb again.
The conclusion I came to after talking with different people about the subject is that the feeling does not necessarily come from the rejection itself, but because there has to be something else at play that precedes the rejection torment. What is it?
From young we are shown what it means to be a man in many different shapes and colours: Strong and Provider, Romantic and Charming, Tough and Powerful, Great Lover and Money Maker etc. etc.
Even to pick just one of these imposed ‘requirements’ and expectations is difficult enough to live up to the idealised images fed back to us through parenting, media and advertising, but to play up to all of those is near impossible.
This need to be in a relationship has been with me for a while, and if I am to exercise honesty, there are still remnants of it today. As I walked home from work one evening I came to a revelation: I realised that I had spent so much time and energy searching for someone to be in a relationship with so that I could give them everything I have – someone to care for, look after, spend money on, treat like the last drop of water on a desert island, and more, all in order to distract myself from the fact that I was not treating myself with the same care and love I deserve. The realisation left me with a clear plan to move forward with: I am to treat myself with the level of care and regard that I have been far too quick to offer to others.
Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to actually look at my qualities as a man; the fact that I am tender, delicate, loving, super patient, wise, a great cook, a lover of cleaning, ironing, and on the whole someone who brings a different perspective on situations, all with great ease too. From seeing these qualities in myself I began to notice more and more of the same in others, when being with close friends and family, or even just meeting a stranger in transit or at work.
And so I write these loving words to every man:
We no longer have to perform to the impossible standards we as a society have set.
We no longer need to prove that we are worthy of something through doing and achieving, instead we put focus on absolutely exquisite qualities we innately hold.
We no longer have to look at life through the lens of another person’s views and opinions.
We no longer have to be tough to feel strong.
We no longer have to tailor ourselves to attract women, for the woman that falls in love with our natural tender ways is the one that will be a friend for life.
We can show the world that there is space to be outside the confines of its playing ground.
We can be the Man that reflects tremendous power through fragility.
I have been discovering that living from these premises does not come with any pictures. It is not, and in fact cannot, be perfect. We are all here to learn and it is a process I am thoroughly enjoying going through.
The awareness and consideration I have given to this topic has sadly not been taught to me by the education system or any other facet of society. My development in this regard has been encouraged and supported by a very dear friend of mine, Serge Benhayon. His presentations and workshops run by Universal Medicine have provided me with a steady platform to look at these deviant societal constructs, and not only to look at them, but to allow myself to feel the level of corruption we have allowed and rather than entertaining any judgement or frustration, observe the reality of the predicament with a much deeper understanding and compassion and live in a way that I may be the reflection that says: “There IS another way, a truer way to be a man in the world today.”
Serge Benhayon (left) & Michael Brown (right)
By Michael Brown, Maths Student and Manager in Retail, UK
Further Reading:
True Role Models – From ‘Being a Good Man’ to Taking True Responsibility for My Choices
Bringing up boys to become glorious men
The lifestyle bubble and curse upon men
452 Comments
Such a sweet photo at the end. Complementing the words above it brilliantly so. Tender men are really beautiful.
I will never cheat my goal of ‘NOT’ sleeping with a spouse, as they have made their choice so therefore in no way would it feel true in my body to sleep around in any situation where the female in question is married.
It is so the norm now a days for men to hold these conversations, it is all of our responsibility to live and move in a way that says this is unacceptable. In order to say such a thing this young man is hurting – we don’t want a society full of hurt men we want a society filled with loving tender gentle men who know who they are.
‘What Does it Mean to Be a Man?’ with the suicide rate increasing in men this is definitely a topic and discussion that is needed all around the world and for men to have a safe space to explore and express how they feel and what is going on for them. It is great to know on some level this has started but we have a long way to be with this.
Any man or lady who sits and speaks from their soul brings the heavens and beyond.
‘The reason this statement jarred me so much was the calculated nature of it. The fact that this particular young man was not alluding to a possibility of a just one-night regret: no, by his own confirmation he has made sleeping with someone’s wife his life aim. Equally disturbing was that his female companion laughed out loud as if it were the sweetest and most amusing thing she had heard. This was an icing on the already spoilt cake.’ It is shocking when we allow ourselves to see and feel the level of disconnection and abuse we have normalised in society. Simple common decency and respect is still far off for many if not most where abuse is an everyday expectation that goes unregistered as unacceptable.
Living with four brothers and as the eldest witnessing the changes of most of them from sweetness to eventually denying their own sweetness and sensitivity, unless you were able to witness their inner feelings, felt very sad to me growing up.
Your question as to how sweet sensitive delicate boys turn into rough tough machismo men has often been an issue for me. And as to why women want to pursue a similar path away from our innate sensitivity too. It’s because it’s so ‘normal’ in our current society, trained as we are in home and school to ‘toughen up’ and not cry when hurt. When we all reclaim our sensitivity society will be the better for it.
The current culture we have is really not ok, yet it’s became the norm.
How lost are we when the woman in this discussion accepts the way men talk and in no way does she seem to put a stop to such absurdities. As in everything we do there is other people involved and they are our sons and daughters, parents and grandparents, etc, and thus the knock on effect can multiply out experientially.
True Greg. Whoever we are we can step up and call out such behaviour as being normal.
Love the photo of two super cool men reflecting back to humanity of what it is to be true gentle-men on this plane of life. You both ace it 🙂
Just like our dogmas about what it is to be a woman, we have dogmas of what it is to be a man… can we not give it a break and just cut each other some slack? Let ourselves feel who and what we really are before we place these labels on each other?
“We no longer have to look at life through the lens of another person’s views and opinions.” This is relevant for us all as we learn to live who we naturally are.
What a beautiful picture of you both, really very inspirational. Thank you for daring to step out of societies norms to claim the divinity you are.
Unfortunately, this is just one man or many who have lost their way and are acting out in a way that is so far removed from the truth of who they are. Thank God there are young men who can reflect a different way of being and living.
So sad that this is actually someones goal!!!! “I will never cheat my goal of sleeping with a spouse.” Just proves there is sooooooo much work to do with relationships both with ourselves and with others.
True, and as the saying goes it takes two to tango. So we can’t just blame men, not that I’m wanting to blame men. It’s society that needs to be called to account. And we all make up society. Responsibility time…..
Very beautiful blog, it is very useful to read the words of a man who is not afraid to be himself & write from these observations.
Some young men, post puberty, still hold the natural beauty, tenderness and ‘ sweet delicacy’ they had as boys. Many lose it, but a joy to behold when young and adult men continue to deepen their innate and precious qualities and reflect to others what is possible.
“Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?” This sums up the dangers of a life lived through pictures, rather than in the here and now with what is. Many relationships fail because of pictures we hold.
So true Kehinde. Having pictures and expectations are a killer in any relationship. I say this from personal experience.
‘What does it mean to be a man?’ The most gorgeous and inspiring men I have ever met are the ones who are prepared to express who they are naturally, to let their tender qualities through without shame, who honour their sensitivity knowing it to be their greatest ally. Men have such a strength when they allow themselves to deeply care, care for themselves and care for others.
To re-discover, love and value ourselves as a women, is the gateway to seeing the true qualities of men.
“… what do we experience in life that we go from being a sweet delicate boy with a heart of gold, to someone who makes their life goal to sexually objectify a woman…” This line exposes how we have imposed so many toxic ideals and beliefs onto men, and that they have also chosen, because the gap between how men are born and who they are as adults is enormous.
We can all behave this way, regardless of gender and therefore there is no need for superiority simply understanding.
“Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?” I really feel this sentence in my body. It would explain so much of the behaviour I see and experience and therefore brings greater understanding on my part for how I deal with it.
It is such a common ploy we utilise, to reject ourselves before we feel the pain of another’s rejection of us first. How can it be so alien to us to honour our natural sensitivity and love?
It is really time to redefine what is means to be tough. In our current society being tough is often seen as having a body with strong muscles, including the attitude we don’t need somebody else and cool mottos like no pain no gain. That are just words. The reality is – underneath of every woman and man there is a tender, delicate and fragile being, which is waiting to be nurtured by us. The real meaning of tough is – to feel the depth of our being and to bring this to the world, no matter if this is joy or any other feeling.
It can be felt in this conversation you describe Michael, how much we don’t live our lives from what we actually do know to be true. It exposes how absolutely lost we are to even be thinking what we do sometimes, expressing from what we are not, when we know in truth, we are not that at all.
“Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?” Such a wise way of looking at this Michael – in answer to your question, yes it sounds very likely to me.
I can feel while reading this just how much we have been corrupted, comparing the delicateness and sensitivity of living as a young boy to feeling as a man the need to fit in by molding oneself to what we think is necessary to be able to function in life.
Corruption is a good word to describe the way we bring up boys to bury their sensitivity and delicateness. It’s an innate quality that should be held in preciousness… if we did we would relate and communicate to each other on a whole other level.
Reading this I have come to understand a deeper level of corruption. It’s not confined to dodgy deals and corrupt police officers, no it’s every way a person is taught and encouraged to be anything but who they truly are. Though our essence can never be corrupted, the way we live can. This happens to all genders, living life not reflecting our innate beauty.
Rather than limiting ourselves to what we see in life, we have the opportunity to live life from the freedom of our own lived experiences.
There’s nothing more beautiful than a man caring and honouring another woman. Without the objectification, the need and/ or demand of her to be anything. That is true strength men can have.
And as the ideals and beliefs continue to spiral out of control, my role models move steadily forward inspiring many to take a stand for everything we know and love.
“Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?” I would say this is a common policy for both genders that we use to protect our selves from being hurt, but have not yet realised that what both genders feel deep inside is exactly the same. We are so precious, tender and beautiful, what immense damage we do to our selves when we cut off from these powerful qualities within our selves and deny that they even exist in other people.
You give a very contrasting picture here Michael, of men behaving in a stereotypical way or men who understand they are actually very tender. And reading your list, especially the last sentence for men to reflect tremendous power through fragility, brings home how lost the macho version is and how beautiful the ‘different’ man can be. Bring on ‘different’ men in our next generation.
Loved returning to read this blog again this morning Michael – interesting that even though I am aware of so much of this I can still take on the expectations of others even if subtlety – great to check in and be able to let it go.
This blog shows beautifully how when we are open to connecting to our heart and observing life around us, there is always an opportunity to deepen our awareness and understanding of ourselves as well as the world around us.
It’s not surprising young men have lost their way when there is a lack of true role models.
Pure gold Michael … there are so many ideals and beliefs that become a man’s identity and in this his gorgeous essence is suppressed – even from himself sometimes. Its time for the innate qualities within all men to be brought forth once again – the world so needs them.
There is no conquest required to be a man. I have the privilege to know quite a few men who are becoming stronger, greater, grander and more gorgeous as they give themselves permission to be the tenderness, care and sensitivity they naturally are.
What a gorgeousness it is to be around men who have given themselves permission to be in their tenderness, care and sensitivity. There is nothing weak about this.