I sat on the train ride through the snowy mountains of eastern Switzerland, deeply occupied in my observation of all the curves that the snowfall had left, and how the trees stood so tall even with so much snow on top of them, when I suddenly felt a jarring and a cringing pain in my stomach area. Indigestion you may ask? Thankfully no; plus, rest assured, this piece is not a self-confessed-dear-diary-digestive-issue entry.
The sting occurred straight after I could not help but hear something from another fellow passenger. The conversation was a general small-talk chat between what I am guessing were 3 friends or work colleagues that blended into the background, however one sentence from one of the 30-something year old men stuck out like the sorest of thumbs:
“I will never cheat my goal of sleeping with a spouse.”
By way of a prelude: I’m 21 years old and I have experienced night club outings, getting drunk and the many twisted thoughts and activities that generally go with those environments and substances, so I have a pretty good understanding for how someone would find themselves in a position where they are just about to, or just have, slept with someone’s spouse. We know it happens, we have either seen cases, have heard of or have experienced scenarios where this sort of thing happens and deep down know that it should have not occurred.
The reason this statement jarred me so much was the calculated nature of it. The fact that this particular young man was not alluding to a possibility of a just one-night regret: no, by his own confirmation he has made sleeping with someone’s wife his life aim. Equally disturbing was that his female companion laughed out loud as if it were the sweetest and most amusing thing she had heard. This was an icing on the already spoilt cake.
I am a man. Like most men, I have grown into one from a boy, and I remember clearly being a boy with all my little friends too. Our life’s grandest ambitions were to be firemen or policemen or train conductors. We played together, both girls and boys, and we played very tenderly. I/we were not unique – visit any nursery around the world and you’d generally experience the same sight – little sweet, tender, caring, light and deeply loving angels.
So the question that was flashing in my head like a large neon billboard on this train ride was: what has happened to us – what do we experience in life that we go from being a sweet delicate boy with a heart of gold, to someone who makes their life goal to sexually objectify a woman as conquerable land AND potentially rip apart a marriage?
You may say, well if a woman wants to cheat on her husband then it’s obviously not working out so let that be the end of it, and to that my response would be, just because a country is having difficulties internally does not mean it deserves to have a nuclear bomb dropped on it.
Back to the point here though, and that is, what is it about the way we are raised as boys to young men that we end up with this type of mission as an end result? Somewhere on that ‘raising boy to a man’ trajectory something went horribly wrong and a serious derailment must have occurred.
Could it be that as young men we put women down or objectify them so that we can be one step ahead of any potential rejection?
I have experienced rejections during my 22 years here on Earth, all the way from a stranger ignoring a “hello,” to being held at arm’s distance by a crush, and in every instance there was a feeling in my body that is undeniably uncomfortable. In reaction and retaliation, I have done various things to ensure that I would not feel that throb again.
The conclusion I came to after talking with different people about the subject is that the feeling does not necessarily come from the rejection itself, but because there has to be something else at play that precedes the rejection torment. What is it?
From young we are shown what it means to be a man in many different shapes and colours: Strong and Provider, Romantic and Charming, Tough and Powerful, Great Lover and Money Maker etc. etc.
Even to pick just one of these imposed ‘requirements’ and expectations is difficult enough to live up to the idealised images fed back to us through parenting, media and advertising, but to play up to all of those is near impossible.
This need to be in a relationship has been with me for a while, and if I am to exercise honesty, there are still remnants of it today. As I walked home from work one evening I came to a revelation: I realised that I had spent so much time and energy searching for someone to be in a relationship with so that I could give them everything I have – someone to care for, look after, spend money on, treat like the last drop of water on a desert island, and more, all in order to distract myself from the fact that I was not treating myself with the same care and love I deserve. The realisation left me with a clear plan to move forward with: I am to treat myself with the level of care and regard that I have been far too quick to offer to others.
Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to actually look at my qualities as a man; the fact that I am tender, delicate, loving, super patient, wise, a great cook, a lover of cleaning, ironing, and on the whole someone who brings a different perspective on situations, all with great ease too. From seeing these qualities in myself I began to notice more and more of the same in others, when being with close friends and family, or even just meeting a stranger in transit or at work.
And so I write these loving words to every man:
We no longer have to perform to the impossible standards we as a society have set.
We no longer need to prove that we are worthy of something through doing and achieving, instead we put focus on absolutely exquisite qualities we innately hold.
We no longer have to look at life through the lens of another person’s views and opinions.
We no longer have to be tough to feel strong.
We no longer have to tailor ourselves to attract women, for the woman that falls in love with our natural tender ways is the one that will be a friend for life.
We can show the world that there is space to be outside the confines of its playing ground.
We can be the Man that reflects tremendous power through fragility.
I have been discovering that living from these premises does not come with any pictures. It is not, and in fact cannot, be perfect. We are all here to learn and it is a process I am thoroughly enjoying going through.
The awareness and consideration I have given to this topic has sadly not been taught to me by the education system or any other facet of society. My development in this regard has been encouraged and supported by a very dear friend of mine, Serge Benhayon. His presentations and workshops run by Universal Medicine have provided me with a steady platform to look at these deviant societal constructs, and not only to look at them, but to allow myself to feel the level of corruption we have allowed and rather than entertaining any judgement or frustration, observe the reality of the predicament with a much deeper understanding and compassion and live in a way that I may be the reflection that says: “There IS another way, a truer way to be a man in the world today.”
Serge Benhayon (left) & Michael Brown (right)
By Michael Brown, Maths Student and Manager in Retail, UK
Further Reading:
True Role Models – From ‘Being a Good Man’ to Taking True Responsibility for My Choices
Bringing up boys to become glorious men
The lifestyle bubble and curse upon men
192 Comments
So much of our media is about how to tailor ourselves to attract a mate and all the time we forget that there is nothing more attractive than living our innate tenderness and beauty.
And a real cool photo as well! Literally so:-)
Sounds like a true man talking from his essence Michael. Good to explore the false believes and ideals men carry. The ticking the boxes on how many women you have slept with is one of them. It is a real ugly one, and shows how common it is to not treat women with any respect.
I love looking at this photo, Michael, of two men (in pink!) very much at ease and so tender with one another to be embracing cheek to cheek. This is beautiful to feel…
Every word of this article is gold and for every man and woman to read. If truly heard and felt we will understand what is needed to change the current deviation from the natural sweetness of a boy to the conquest-seeking destructive words of the young man on the train.
There are so many illusions out there about being a man. Just recently I observed a debate about whether it was ‘manly’ to carry your baby in a papoose and there were many countering comments saying yes. When I was young there used to be a popular poster with a man holding a tiny baby on his chest and the extraordinary tenderness made all the girls melt it was so beautiful.
The other day I walked past two men who were talking about a girl named Carol and how one of them had slept with her. The way they spoke was very disrespectful and harmful to hear. Now I’d rather be around men who are respectful, gentle, tender and loving towards all women because they love themselves and hear what they have to say about women – I’m sure the conversation would be a whole lot different.
The other day I walked past two men who were talking about a girl named Carol and how one of them had slept with her. The way they spoke was very disrespectful and harmful to hear. Now I’d rather be around men who are respectful, gentle, tender and loving towards all women because they love themselves and hear what they have to say about women – I’m sure the conversation would be a whole lot different.
Michael as I read your ‘loving words to every man’, I felt a sense of relief and that’s as a woman! Women have their own list of societal requirements and what you shared helped me to feel that I can opt out of them at any time and just be me.
We all get distracted by the face of a behaviour but there is a motivating factor behind all behaviours and it would be helpful if we all investigated what is actually driving our behaviours. I, for example used to go for guys who had girlfriends, not because I truly fancied the guy so much that I was prepared to get him at all costs but because I got a boost for my incredibly low self esteem if I managed to snag a bloke who was already taken. Had I been able to identify the motivating force behind my actions then I would have had an insight into what was fuelling me, which would have afforded me the opportunity to do something about it. Helping each other to identify motivating factors is incredibly supportive, although I understand the hesitancy in most to do this. We are a very protective bunch.
“What do we experience in life that we go from being a sweet delicate boy with a heart of gold, to someone who makes their life goal to sexually objectify a woman as conquerable land AND potentially rip apart a marriage?”. Answer-pain, or rather what we perceive as pain. We perceive something as being either painful or potentially painful and it is then that we change how we’re being and in doing so change our beingness. Once we have made that initial change then it’s really anyone’s guess where we’ll end up and what we’ll end up doing. Once we abandon the real us, then we can morph into literally anything.
Without my role models i’d be lost in a world of ideals and pictures, and so I kind of understand why we are collectively in this mess.
It is testament to Serge Benhayon and his evident inspiration that such a young man can write so wisely about what it is to be a man and to be embodying these teachings into his everyday life. That is an awesome achievement of true parenting.
As a goal set to never sleeping with a married women, would be my motto. And lived up-to I have. As they had already made their choice and if she was to forgo that choice to sleep with me then there would always be the possibility to then move on to the next best so-called-relationship!
How ironic that as women we have for so long chosen to compete with an image of men that is not honouring of even a man’s true nature. We have a huge part to play in keeping men behaving in a manner that is so removed from their natural sensitivity, care and tenderness.
Life is amazing when we just see it as an amazing opportunity to unroll and discover who we actually are, rather than living every day from who or what we are told to be.
Our current ideal and picture of what it means to be a man is all upside down and back to front. Sensitivity and delicacy is all our inherent nature for both men and women and to deny this in expression is like throwing mud on pure white snow.
this is a beautiful expression of the natural qualities of every man. Every man should read the loving words that you wrote because they would know them to read them. With the impossible expectations that you have written about, is it any wonder that we start believing we don’t deserve love. It is a strong belief, drilled in since young and reinforced endlessly. But it is a belief and therefore completely untrue.
Living without pictures, without ideas of how things should be, so being able to meet everyday life without, clauses, have too’s or ‘needs to be that way’ ideas….amazing. How simply healthy and energetically supportive.
Thank you for exposing and explaining why we behave in opposition to our divinity but that it’s just a front and the beauty of delving deeper into seeing who a person truly is helps to arrest the imposter.
‘What does it mean…?’ – we simply don’t ask enough of those questions in our daily lives about the way we are living and why things are the way they are. Blogs like this start much needed conversations.
It’s gorgeous to hear you claim your tender, delicate, loving, patient and wise, (great cook, lover of cleaning and ironing, and the ability to bring a different perspective with ease) qualities – and therefore being able to appreciate and confirm the same in others.
I agree Rosanna – deeply beautiful to feel a gentleman claiming those qualities – such an inspiration for us all – not just for men – as how many of us actually truly deeply claim – or live our true qualities in that way?
Yes, it is incredibly dishonouring to impose ideals of what a young boy or man should live up to, as it denies opportunity for exploration and then free expression of his true nature.
To my way of thinking Serge Benhayon is one of the few people in the world today who as you say Michael has proved a steady platform so that we can all look at the deviant way we are living. The level of corruption in our society is at an all time high, and the standards we live by are lowering every year. We do need to bring an understanding that the way we live is a mess and this is being shown to us by the ill health we live with and the climate change that we are all experiencing.
“His presentations and workshops run by Universal Medicine have provided me with a steady platform to look at these deviant societal constructs, and not only to look at them, but to allow myself to feel the level of corruption we have allowed…” – yes , the presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have been the platform in my life for the past 10+ years to change it for the truer better, and I could not be more thankful and appreciative for this change where I today live with one thing I have always sought – understanding [of the world, of myself, of others].
Truly challenging the stereotypes and providing real role models.
I agree, which allows the space to come to what being a man or woman means for us, without the strangle hold of a created version that we often get caught in that society continually imposes and tell us is our reality. Men can be strong and powerful as woman can, but neither gender needs to do it with force, push or superiority, and we do not need to play a game of war with the other gender and try and out do each other or usurp each other. We are all born equal.
What does it mean to be a man? That depends on the experiences and choices of the man.
You have exposed Michael much of what society subtly grooms young boys to become and sadly to aspire too but you have also so beautifully confirmed that the body knows what is true if we choose to listen. The sudden jarring and cringing pain in your stomach area shows as with all of us that the body will keep reminding us of who we are, what we accept and whether this is true. You will be one of the men bringing a different way, a loving way for others to observe and the warmth of this will be felt. Thank you for the commitment to being all of the amazing man you are and strutting this in the world.
I love this Christine, truth in every word. As a society we throw away or disown what we have contributed to when it comes to a man acting wayward. As a whole we don’t say ‘wait a minute, I know the sensitivity, tender qualities and pure love of men, so what has happened that this is the end result?’ How do we contribute to this distortion in our own lives and thoughts every day. Our bodies are repulsed by what overshadows our divine nature when we are around abuse of any kind.
It is really inspiring, Michael, that you experienced the harshness of abusing yourself as a teenager but have made the decision as a young man to never let that happen again, because you treasure your sensitivity and honour your body way too much.
Yes, this is so beautiful and inspiring. When someone arises themselves out of self-abuse and then begins to lead the way back to truth because the love they are simply can’t tolerate anything less than the love they are, it can’t help but open everyone else up to their potential too. “Treasuring your sensitivity and honouring your body way too much” are words that resonate strongly with me and are words that I will be taking into my day; they are offering me an opportunity to reflect on my own sensitivity and to treasure it more. Thank you.
“Back to the point here though, and that is, what is it about the way we are raised as boys to young men that we end up with this type of mission as an end result?” Yes, if we honestly look at us, humanity, and how we behave and talk with each other we can see that the way life is at the moment is producing these kind of statements. Then we can ask ourselves what is going on? Because if we were a factory and this is the end product something has gone wrong. We have to be honest about that and it is not something to just be brushed off.
For some reason when men get together in groups they feel like they have to prop up this false stereotype and say degrading things about women that they don’t actually believe. I ask myself why is that? Michael points to the fear of rejection; are men so insecure and need to fit in they abandon their true nature and offer the group something they don’t believe but think might be accepted. When men join in with this the conversation quickly degrades much to the detriment of these men’s relationships.
If men look outside themselves to find who they are they only find the false pictures and destructive stereotypes. To look within is to find the true qualities of a man these are to be cherished appreciated and expanded on. Then he will be not so insecure or be in fear of rejection and will be able to speak from the heart like young Michael here.
You are absolutely one hundred percent correct when you say that ALL boys are by nature very sweet, tender and caring. It is the model life is based on that moulds them to be the monsters we then hate and run from.
It is a playful but profound practise to meet every man as the sweet, tender, caring heart they naturally are.
Beautiful and very wise blog Michael. Thank you.
Beautiful photograph of two beautiful men.
What’s great is you don’t need to be a man to reflect to men what a true man is. I have women in my life who ask me to be every bit of man that I am… Give me this sort of woman over one that laughs at misogyny and outright abuse any day of the week.
To give ourself all that what we yearn to receive from another or want to give to another is the key, I so agree, because then there is no demand nor expectation but a steady loving way with ourself and this we bring then to every relationship we have. It is always the relationship with ourself and the deepening of it that serves us all.
As a school teacher, I observe often how so many children no longer have the skills to develop healthy relationships and it is something many teachers are having to support children with – teaching them how to listen, when it is their turn to speak, to understand something from another’s perspective and how to have respect for that etc. In recognition of this, the UK government wants to introduce relationships education as a compulsory aspect of every child’s schooling from primary up to secondary. However, without the awareness that every healthy relationship is based on the foundation a person has with themselves first, we will keep saying the right things but not really change anything.
That’s really interesting, Michelle. I also see more young people withdrawing into a virtual world and shutting down in protection, so it will be interesting to see what emerges from this latest government relationship tactic.
Love the sensitivity in which you wrote this piece – sharing your own journey and development. Inspiring.