For most of my life I have bought into a myth of such magnitude that it is impossible to either calculate or fathom the sum total of its catastrophic effects. It is a myth that is held almost universally and one that is encouraged and perpetuated by both men and women equally. Popular culture coined the term for this myth, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus:’ in a nutshell it describes the seemingly irrevocable differences between men and women. And up until very recently this is something that I simply took as gospel.
I felt that everywhere I looked there was evidence to support the myth. Growing up in the 70’s in England, the differences between what the two sexes actually did was stark.
Men almost exclusively held positions of power, not just as world leaders but leaders in religions worldwide, as well as in government, pretty much all businesses, schools, local authorities and indeed most organisations. Women on the other hand were generally always the ones who were at home with the kids and if they did work, then it tended to be as nurses, in the typing pool, as secretaries, in the school canteen etc. It was a given that women did the jobs that supported the men to be able to do their jobs.
The myth was mirrored in my own home. My dad was a manager in an insurance company. He often travelled a lot for work. My mum looked after my sister and I when we were smaller and then when she was able to return to work, my mum worked in secretarial and personal assistant roles. I never remember Mum working for a woman, only ever men. The other thing that mum did, which seemed to bolster my belief that men and women had very different qualities, was that she ‘helped out a lot.’ Mum did lots of charity work and she cared constantly for those around her. As a result, I grew up believing that women were naturally more caring than men.
Even though I grew up in a family where my parents shared the decision-making process and always showed one another the greatest respect, I was very aware that this was often not the norm. I knew just from being out in the world that men were by default the decision makers – they were the ones that said what was going to happen. I knew that they didn’t have to justify or reason why; they were able to have the last say based purely on the fact that they were men. I was also aware that violence towards women was an accepted part of our society and I saw what I deemed to be the ‘aggressive side of men’ as simply yet another glaringly obvious sign of the differences between men and women.
Growing up, the evidence was all around me: men and women were indeed a completely different species. As I became a teenager and started to go out with boys, the differences between the two sexes were further confirmed. I had boyfriends who drove cars in destruction derbies, boyfriends who volunteered to fight fires, boyfriends who were enthusiastic about cars and motorbikes, boyfriends who loved competitive sport and boyfriends who loved going to the pub with their mates. Basically, boyfriends who loved doing things that many girls didn’t.
Although my relationships always started off well, they also ended up full of struggle, a familiar pushing and pulling, a lack of understanding one another, an inability to see things in the same way – basically a breakdown in communication. I remember being in my mid-twenties and thinking to myself that although I was not attracted to women in a sexual way, I could see the benefits of being in a relationship with another woman – at least we would speak the same language!
So when in 1992, John Gray’s book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ was published, I thought, “How true that is – men and women are indeed a different species,” and I saw the prospect of spending my life in a relationship with a man from another planet as rather gloomy.
In the last several years, I have been involved in the process of healing: a process that has involved the stripping back of many layers. Layers of muck that I have accumulated not just from my current life, but from many lifetimes. These overlapping layers are multitudinous, made up from an array of different things; reactions to being hurt, beliefs that I have taken on, ideals that I have tried to live up to. They are many and varied but basically what they all have in common is that they are all not me.
When healing is true, then the false layers get stripped back and removed for good.
I have received true support for this healing process through Universal Medicine. There are many men and women who are on the return leg of the journey with me and as a result of being with, and feeling the quality of the men, who are also stripping back their layers, I have had a revelation of such magnitude that it has quite literally taken the top of my head off.
When you strip back everything that does not belong, then what you are left with in both men and women is exactly the same essence; identical in fact. Ok sure, we have different bodies and yep, men can lift more weight than women, but in our essence, we are the same. The alarming thing is that I have had the living evidence with me my whole life: I have a dad who is the most tender of men and a partner who is a naturally gentle and caring man but the belief that men and women are different was so strong that it overrode the evidence that was right under my nose.
How destructive a force must beliefs be that they have the power to do this?
What these realisations have led me to understand is that any differences that exist between the two sexes have been introduced by us and are as healthy as the introduction of myxomatosis to rabbits. What’s worse is that we have lived with these introduced changes for such a long time that we have come to see them as normal but they are not – they are not normal at all.
So, something to ponder on is how would life be if we lived free of the largely unchallenged myth that ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and simply allowed men and women to be who they naturally are?
By Alexis Stewart, Disability support worker, yoga teacher, massage therapist, mother, partner, patch of God, Sydney, Australia
Further Reading:
Equality – What Does it Mean?
Gender Equality – It Starts With Me Now
Love – the missing link in gender equality
Gender equality: how far have we come?
626 Comments
Thank you for exposing the depth of this lie that has been perpetrated for way too long and challenging the belief that there are any differences between men and women other than the physical bodies that we happen to be in this lifetime. We all need to claim this and support each other to return to our innate tenderness as we strip away the accumulated protective layers that have kept us imprisoned in isolation from each other.
It is interesting, in light of this article, that now there are many reports of women becoming increasingly violent and aggressive. Whereas it used to be the stereotype for men to be this way.
Everywhere we look there is evidence to support all the big lies about life. That’s the catch, that this energy justifies itself – feeling with our heart is the only way out of this perpetual loop.
This article is spot on and exposes the pressure on men to be a certain way and to not be themselves.
Yes and we are all responsible for allowing this to continue and can be part of the change that is already happening.
Alexis, this would be amazing; ‘how would life be if we lived free of the largely unchallenged myth that ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and simply allowed men and women to be who they naturally are?’ If there were not the pictures and expectations that men should be tough and providers etc then we would see that men are just as sensitive and sweet and caring as women.
Books like that just take away the magic of what happens when you fall in love – they take away the magic of what is between us and make it some kind of battle or struggle against the different sexes. The fact is the major associated difference between the genders derives from learnt behaviours and not who we are in truth.
The most powerful being is one who knows they are of male and female essence – equally so.
Like you Alexis I saw the world around me reflecting that men and women were from different planets it seemed. I read the book Men are from Mars voraciously too – confirming me in my belief. Then I came to Universal Medicine and the truth – “When you strip back everything that does not belong, then what you are left with in both men and women is exactly the same essence; identical in fact.” A great post, thank you.
I remember when this book came out and how it tapped into long held beliefs that men and women were completely different creatures who would never fully understand each other. I find there are some ‘differences’ but that is one of the things that makes exploring relationships so rich and endless. But there are many more things in common and the true qualities of a man or woman are divine, and therefore known deeply to us all.
The book came with a lot of ideals that this was the only way in which we could solve the difference we were feeling amongst the two sexes rather than stopping to ponder that all that we see as differences are not difference but honouring the process of learning, healing and truly evolving of the human being.
I always love what you share Alexis, with your own unique style always bringing a smile to my face, thank you. I know too religion has a big part to play in its version that a man is the head of the house, thereby bringing in separation and inequality, when in truth we are all equal divine sons of God expressing the same divine essence through our male and female bodies, equally beautiful in both sexes.
“When you strip back everything that does not belong, then what you are left with in both men and women is exactly the same essence; identical in fact.” Yes and therefore we are a reflection of that tenderness and sensitivity are called to honour the age old expression of ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. In this case though we have to ask – are we prepared to offer ourselves the level of tenderness and responsibility that we should be offering another?
Our inner most, our soul, is neither male nor female when we express from there the magnitude of who we are is felt.
Beautiful Sam – thankyou
Amazing how we can have all the evidence of reality not matching up to our ideals and beliefs, yet we cling on to the pictures because we feel safer with them, than without. But pictures keep us locked in to a smaller world, with no expansion, and apparently blind to the truth of how things actually are.
We miss out on so so much when we get caught up in the ideals and beliefs of what men and women are or should be that are set by societies standards. We all seek to live and express the love we innately and equally are. Developing relationships that are founded on honouring the truth of who we are, is how we bring to life the richness of our essence and support each other to evolve and live our true potential.
Everyday comments about how men and women are different which are often said with an undertone are unfortunately common place. It seems society is very happy to use language that stereotypes one’s gender and refer to that – super important we break the chain with this one.
Absolutley Samantha. It is so damaging to both men and women to refer to each other in this way and always good to counter such comments where possible.
Well said Gabriele.
The differences between the sexes have been created by the way we conduct our lives and have nothing to do with our innermost essence and the truth of who we are; the Soul is neither male nor female.
Men and woman are different in what they can represent through their bodies. However the ‘men are from mars’ theory seems like a cop out for us not having the love and understanding for one another needed to appreciate the ‘opposite sex’ and have meaningful relationships.
The Mars and Venus theory and nonsense deepen the chasm and portray something as normal that need not be; it only drives us further apart and serves us naught. It cements and justifies what is already not working and deeply detrimental to our health and wellbeing and the state of the whole planet.
Exactly. It oversimplifies things so that we end up stereo typing each other rather than being open to the wonders we each bring to a relationship that have nothing to do with gender whatsoever. They are qualities that are innate and the building blocks of true love. Appreciating these qualities in each other and openly expressing how we feel with a view to an ever deepening honesty has to be the way to go.
When something is very familiar to us, we tend to be very embedded in it, which often means that we are not able to stand back and view it with fresh eyes. Relationships are a classic example of this, as are our behaviours. The result is that we get stuck in repetitive patterns that prevent us from moving on. But the wonderful thing about true awareness is that it tends to lead to more of the same and so once we start to wake up to what’s going on for us, the process gathers its own momentum.
The struggles that happen in relationships are familiar to me, but I am learning to appreciate them as points of learning, opportunities to grow, to understand more about myself and the other person. Relationships therefore are a blessing – in whatever shape or form they may be. Which is gorgeous and takes away this separation between man and woman as being alien to each other, because when there is understanding sought – there is equality too.
Alexis Stewart – I would like to add this to your words about yourself – AND a woman who is deeply inspiring to all, in every word she writes.
“A woman who understands that honesty is the gateway to truth and that truth is the gateway to freedom. A woman who is at last claiming herself in full”.
Stephanie, as a woman who is usually very good with words, I am, at this very moment in time, lost for them!. Other than ‘thank you’, sincerely ‘thank you’.