From the moment a baby boy is born he is only after one thing. Maybe his parents will cradle him in their arms and hold him to their chests, appreciating his delicateness and warmth. Maybe he will be safe and loved, honoured in his perfect imperfection, or perhaps he will be left to cry alone, born addicted to drugs or into a million other less than desirable scenarios: it won’t change what he is after though, because he’s only after one thing.
Within days he might be given his first football jersey, if not it’s almost certain that he will be dressed in blue. If he’s lucky it might be a year or two before someone tells him to ‘man up’ and stop crying. He will learn to wipe away his tears and soon enough he will learn to hold it all inside. He will do what he needs to do because he’s only after one thing.
He might hold on to his sensitivity for a while. You will see it when he caresses a newborn baby’s face, tenderly tucks his teddy bear in or cries when his favourite cartoon character faces a tough moment. If he does manage to hold onto his sensitivity it won’t be long before he starts being asked to change. He will hear the words ‘mummy’s boy,’ ‘baby,’ ‘soft’ and ‘sensitive,’ and because he is so sensitive he will know that none of these words is a compliment. He will look to the men in his life to find out how to be in this world because he only wants one thing.
When he goes to school he will learn to play the class clown, the good student, the sportsman or the troublemaker. When he shows his sensitive side he might hear new words; words like ‘gay,’ ‘sissy,’ ‘pussy,’ ‘wuss.’ He won’t even need his sensitivity to know that these words mean trouble this time. If he’s smart he will start calling other boys these names – the openly sensitive ones may even find their faces in contact with his fists. Either way, he will find a way through because he’s only after one thing.
Puberty arrives. His voice breaks, it is time to “be a man.” Girls are interesting again for a whole new host of reasons. Pornography is old news as it is more than likely that he has seen it all before. If he feels attracted to women he may find the world of sex and stimulation exciting and if he has already sensed that ‘gay’ is not a slur but a label for his natural way of expressing in relationship he may struggle to come to terms with it all. Either way he is only after one thing.
He or his partner might struggle with body image. He may look to sports’ stars or celebrities to inform him of his worth and standing. Life is a competition that he is subconsciously choosing to win or lose. He will stoically face the stresses of everyday life, arguments, jobs, money, family. If he cracks he will try to keep it on the down low. If things get really bad he will end it all rather than open up and talk about it. The world has already made it clear that his natural sensitivity is something to be ashamed of and after all, he’s only after one thing.
The more I get to know men and boys, the more I see how deeply tender and sensitive they are. I have spent much of my life despairing over the fact that men seemed to be “after only one thing”… until I began to realise that men are after the same thing that every woman is after.
I now have men in my life that have reconnected to their divine essence. These men respect their natural sensitivity; they cry when they feel sad and they express how they feel. They have shown me what a true man is.
The presence of these men in my life has been deeply healing and eye opening to say the least. As the realisation of the true sensitivity of men comes to light, the horror of the competition, war, greed and violence that is very much a part of our false construction of modern masculinity is exposed for the lie that it is. It is time we started to appreciate the true power of men who can express their great love and sensitivity because in truth, we all want only one thing.
To live truly free to express the love that we are.
By Leonne Sharkey, Melbourne
Further Reading:
Sensitive – We All Are It
Raising Boys
A letter to my Son
483 Comments
Absolutely love reading your writings Leonne,. Love the detail in which you described your observations of how men are imposed upon since birth.
This is a beautiful expose of the forces that try to change and mould how lovely, sensitive and tender men are and what society expects of them from birth.
If we could all figure out what is the one thing we are all after, maybe then we wouldn’t have the need to build things that destroy others lives and all the money and resources that is used on that could be spent on bringing us all together instead of inciting hate and separation
Its not just men, all of humanity are after the one thing, that is to love and be loved.
This is a gorgeous celebration of the true sensitive man. This exquisite tenderness is to be found in the innate essence of all men. Thank you Leonne.
Profound, we can be so hard on men, I have a son and a husband, both are gentle sensitive and deeply loving souls, if I stay in my protection and reactions to how I have been treated by men over the years, I would neglect the opportunity of connection and the awesome relationships available with them and others.
Yes, looking back at how defensively I have been with men in general I can feel I’ve missed out on some lovely potential relationships – I don’t mean partners but just in general. Men are naturally caring and sensitive and I’ve just rejected men in the past and then complained about them! Lovely to now not do this. Even if a man is coming at me with sleazy energy – which doesn’t happen nowadays, I can say an absolute no to that energy, to any behaviours that manifest from it, but I don’t have to close my heart to the man beneath.
Profound indeed Samantha. Reading this article has inspired me to see and act on how I relate to men.
I found it very confusing sensing the sensitivity of my son and yet knowing that the world is a very hard place. With the help of Universal Medicine I have come to terms with my mothering skills and how I handled this situation. I have also gained more clarity and confidence in what I can feel and what I know is true for me and it feels very expansive when I meet men and can feel that they too are connected to the sensitivity that is innate to us all.
I have worked closely with men recently, mainly trades men coming into my home. It’s been an honour to get to know each one and appreciate the relationships we formed. True strength is not physical, but found in inner qualities
In some ways the tables have turned. Women express themselves in ways that are hard, driven, business-like and men, more settled in themselves, are open to share their sensitive and tender side with others.
When we as women connect to our own tender sweetness we begin to feel the same in others, especially men.
‘To live truly free to express the love that we are.’ When we connect to this fact, there is no separation between us.
I was in a group meeting with colleagues and one of the men on the call explained that he was feeling vulnerable and a bit tearful that day. It was so unusual to hear and so lovely and natural that I paused and felt how sensitive he was and how I was the same. It brought understanding and respect for another’s feelings. It makes a huge difference in our relationships when we can be open about how we truly feel.
I agree Susan, when others are prepared to be vulnerable, it changes the space between us and there is less separation and more understanding. It also gives us permission to feel our own vulnerability.
Much is known about the struggles of women, and less about the struggles for men. This is a real eye opener to what goes on for men as they grow up and how much their sensitivity is robbed off them.
Great point Sarah – women share their experiences a lot in magazines, online etc – men do too – but perhaps not to the same extent. What could make a difference is if we shared our experiences jointly – rather than women in womens journals and men in mens journals – in a way where we started a real conversation just like this blog and comment thread have done so that we can all start to realise in the end we are all the same – no matter what our gender.
It’s true Leonne, we are all after one thing – to be loved and express love. What is so powerful about your blog is how you bring together men and women who are separated from each other from birth. It exposed to me how I still hold the belief we are different when in truth we are the same – just expressing in different ways the same qualities.
I agree Lucy and Leonne – it makes some aspects of the ‘gender equality’ argument ridiculous when in the end we are all the same and there is no need for two sides as there are many things that relate to us all no matter whether we are male or female.
Honestly, I have never believed that ‘men are only after one thing’, maybe because growing up, I was convinced that my knight in shining armour was just around the corner waiting to scoop me up and whisk me off into the sunset to treasure me for evermore. Then appreciating the gorgeous tender, sensitivity in my own sons, even when this isn’t being openly displayed, I know without any shadow of doubt that we all crave the same thing and have the same potential and capacity to love, treasure and honour each other.
“To live truly free to express the love that we are.” This is without a doubt what we all want.
Even when men think they are only after the one thing (sex) and hence behave like that they actually are not but don´t know it. This is the consequence of not honouring their tenderness and sensitivity, their loving care and need for intimacy, no different to any girl or woman. Most men actually need to be ‘reminded’ of their natural innate beingness by women who accept nothing less than that. Against all preconception when it comes to feeling you will be surprised how quick men will learn 😉
I agree Alex when a woman approaches a man in her sacredness the man melts and is given permission to be in his tenderness.
Thank you for this beautiful testimony Leonne – you show us all without a doubt that not only are we wrong about who men are, but we have got the whole of life upside down. We have settled for a host of lies which are the exact opposite of the truth. In this case as you express men are not savage brutes but delicate, sensitive, tender beings designed to love with open hearts. This makes me want to reconsider everything, hold it up to the light and see what feels right. We are here to question and feel for ourselves, not take orders.
It becomes understandable that so many men (and women) mix up having sex with making love. It is love we are all after and expressing that with every word and movement we make is making love. We can share the love we are with a complete stranger by the way we look at them or talk to them.
To say that men are only after one thing is to write off half the human race. There is no truth in it whatsoever. Men are very lost and one reason might be because people choose to think they are after only one thing.
Indeed Doug, it is the commonly held perception of how men should be that ultimately dictated for many men how to be in complete ignorance of who they truly are. No wonder that men become hard and tough if they are not allowed to live that natural delicacy and tenderness they are as it is that inner turmoil and frustration of not being respected for who they truly are that then is expressed.
So many of us women, myself included, have gone into protection around men in the past, and it is so deeply healing to open up to how incredibly sweet and tender they can be. Of course we all want love, regardless of age, gender, social standing, culture etc.
So very true Leonne. I love your litany all leading to the fact that we are all in the end after one thing – to be our true selves.
I relate to so much of what you have shared Leonne, as my sensitivity was felt from a young age but I was told to toughen up etc.
Leonne your accurate description of the socialisation of boys and men is like a war zone. They are taught to literally fight being their natural, tender essence and from a very early age
It is our responsibility as women to set a high bar, living our sacredness and thus inspiring and giving men permission to live their sensitivity and tenderness.
Great to break the ‘sayings’ of society whether about men or women which are designed to categorise each gender, reduce the divine qualities each offers and subjugate them to conforming to an expected norm therefore not reflecting to others that which will inspire them to also live in connection to their truth in full.
Just watching the gorgeous expression in the photo selected or this article makes me melt. The more I look past the cliche society promoted images of hardness, the more I see the absolute delightful tender qualities in men and know that on the inside there is no difference, we are all just as beautiful and we all want and deserve the same.
“It is time we started to appreciate the true power of men who can express their great love and sensitivity . . . ” Leonne I only can agree as the more we are appreciating men to be what they truly are – sensitive – the more this will be what it should be – NORMAL.
When true strength in a man or his ‘manliness’ is shown not through rippling muscle or body mass but rather through the muscle of the sensitivity and tenderness in him, as a woman it is joy to experience and importantly to respond favourably and meltingly into this fine quality.
Indeed Zofia. It is a totally different kind of ‘strength’, and one that is true not attained.
We are all very sensitive beings, and if we all lived this natural way our world would be a very different place… because in truth we all want…”To live truly free to express the love that we are.”
We do men, and ourselves, a great dis-service to hold them ransom to such a false way of being. We all crave to be the love that we are and to feel this true expression from another, so why would we do anything to stop another from living in their own true way.
Yes it is true we are only after one thing and the more of us that can realise the truth of what we are after and not be afraid to show it, the more we will inspire others to live that way as well.
Yes, we are after that only thing. And by living that ourselves then show the world what true men are. Beautiful article Leonne.
The moment we chose to be honest about what we are all after (love), sex becomes secondary. This may not sound as much but it is a revolution of all things gender and will change societies fundamentally.
When we have given up on love being the marker for what life is about we have given up on being who we are, women and men equally. Time to mark life with love again.
Leonne, beautiful article and I love the photo that goes with this article of this very sweet, open, tender man – this is the truth of men and as you say; ‘It is time we started to appreciate the true power of men who can express their great love and sensitivity’.
We all want . . . “To live truly free to express the love that we are.” . . . hear hear Leonne, great blog highlighted that in essence we are all equally precious.
Men in their natural state are deliciously tender, it is the way we have allowed society to develop that creates the hardness so many men make their default way to live.
What a great leveler, Leonne. We all want love and there is no reason why this should be any different for men.
Yes indeed, we only want that one thing and how stunning to write this about men, gorgeous, tender, delicately sensitive men. What a load they can bear on their shoulders when they subscribe to all the images, ideals and beliefs of what it is to be a man, rather than trusting what they feel on the inside and living from that space.